Hi, you're listening to Small Things Often from the Gottman Institute, where we talk you through research-based tips to help improve your relationships in five minutes or less.

Today's tip is about how to recognize gridlock and ways to overcome it.

So think about it. Do you have a perpetual problem that keeps coming up in your relationship?

And have those conversations become totally stuck in conflict, like a traffic jam at rush hour,

where no one is moving in any direction. Then you may be in total gridlock. Check out these five

phases of conversation goes through before total gridlock occurs. First, your dreams are in opposition.

For example, maybe one of you loves to socialize and wants the other to go to parties, travel,

and get out more, while the other is a homebody, whose idea of a good time is reading a book,

watching a movie on the couch, and eating in every night. Opposing dreams such as

these can create perpetual conflict. Secondly, you both become entrenched in your positions.

Neither one of you is willing to budge from your opinion. In the third phase, you're both

fearful of accepting the influence from the other. Neither one of you is willing to open your mind and really

listen and care for the other's thoughts and feelings. Because you and your partner are so staunchly

stuck in your own positions, in the fourth phase, bitterness and anger may cause you to vilify

each other whenever the conflict arises, which works against the goal of compromise. And the fifth phase, sadly and painfully,

the two of you become totally emotionally disengaged from each other, which can impact

every single part of your relationship. But here's the good news. There are ways out of gridlock,

and if you're already deep within it, here are some ideas to break out of it.

Become a dream detective.

Uncover and share the personal dreams you each have for your life with each other.

Research has shown that unrequited dreams are at the core of gridlocked conflict.

So, dig deep.

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