When was the last time you heard a child referred to as obedient?

It's probably been a while. That's too bad because the best research tells us that obedient children

are happy children. And from my experience as a family psychologist, the parents of obedient

children are happy parents. Since all parents want their children to be happy, the question becomes,

how does one get a child to obey? Is there some trick to it? Well, there certainly are a lot of

parents who think so. They believe that proper discipline is a matter of using the right methods,

techniques, and strategies. What I call a consequence delivery systems. Parents have been using these

behavior modification-based methods since they became popular in the 1960s seemingly to no avail.

Would anyone argue that today's kids are more obedient than kids were several generations ago?

I don't think so. The reason these methods and techniques don't work is that proper discipline is

not a matter of proper methods. It's a matter of a proper attitude on the part of the parent.

Let me illustrate the point. Let's say that for a week, I observed the classroom of a grade school

teacher who has the reputation of being the best disciplinarian in her district. She consistently

has fewer behavior problems than any of her colleagues. What is she doing? She's making her

expectations perfectly clear, which means first, she communicates in simple declarative sentences.

She doesn't use 50 words when she could use 10. The more words you use to communicate your

expectations, the less confident you sound. Second, she prefaces her instructions to her students

with authoritative phrases like, I want you to, and it's time for you to. She says, it's time for

you to take out your math books and turn to page 25. As opposed to, let's take out our math books

and turn to page 25. Okay? Third, this teacher does not explain the motives behind her instructions

to her students. Why? Because she knows that explanations invite arguments. Whenever parents tell

me they're dealing with an argumentative child, I know that these well-intentioned people are

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