Hi, you're listening to Small Things Often from the Gottman Institute, where we talk you through

research-based tips to help improve your relationships in five minutes or less.

Today's tip is about using the power of conflict to improve your relationship. Yeah, we get it.

Conflict is uncomfortable, and we usually avoid it at all costs. But the fact is,

conflict is inevitable. When you put two people together in a relationship, no matter how compatible

they are, over a period of time, there will be problems, issues, and, oh yeah, friction. But think about it

this way. Flint needs friction to start a fire.

Becoming vulnerable and sharing your feelings is an act of intimacy. And if you manage it correctly,

these conflicts can make you even closer. Yes, conflict has the power to transform your

relationship and help form an even stronger bond between you and your

partner. Truly, we're not kidding. So was that Flint just struck? If so, here's some tips to

navigate a conflict you might be currently going through. If you found the courage to talk to your

partner, but now see the discussion as becoming too intense, take a 20-minute break.

During that time, calm down by doing something that soothes or distracts you.

When you come back to the discussion, let one person speak at a time, while the other listens.

Do not interrupt your partner. You'll also have the chance to say what's on your mind when it's

your turn. When you begin to speak, be gentle and use eye statements to reflect your feelings, such as,

I felt so lonely this week when you worked late every night. Don't use the word you as in,

you worked late every night this week and it upset me. Hear the difference? Using the word you points the finger at your

partner and may cause them to become guarded and defensive. Next, create a safe space for your partner.

Don't judge or argue or give advice. Just listen and ask questions. Put yourself in their shoes.

Listen to what they need to say, and respond with empathy and

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