How Asking One Hard Question Builds Deeper Trust, with Alain de Botton

The High Performance Podcast

High Performance

Sports, Self-improvement, Mindset, Growth Mindset, Health & Fitness, Non-negotiables, Education, Life Lessons, High Performance

4.8 • 4.7K Ratings

🗓️ 4 June 2025

⏱️ 41 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

This new Essential Habits series breaks down the key habits behind high performance, one episode at a time. This week’s habit is deceptively simple: asking better questions.

Philosopher Alain de Botton joins us to explore how a single, uncomfortable question, “How have I annoyed you?” can deepen trust, defuse tension, and create stronger connections in every part of life.

Whether it’s at home, at work, or with close friends, we often avoid the conversations that would help us grow. Alain shows us a different way, one built on emotional generosity, honest listening, and the courage to be vulnerable.

In this episode, we explore:

Why awkward questions build trust
How to listen without getting defensive
The science behind emotional connection
What high-performing teams can learn from philosophy
The hidden power of backstories and being 'truly heard'

Here is a list of studies referenced in the episode:

The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness. Arthur Aron, Elaine Aron (1997)
Understanding the conversation gap: Why employees aren’t talking, and what we can do about it (Braverly), referenced in How to Navigate Difficult Conversations with Employees. Harvard Negotiation Project
Rejection Really Hurts, published in Science (Oct 2003). University Of California - Los Angeles
Daring Greatly by Brené Brown

Listen to the full episode with Alain De Botton here: https://pod.fo/e/1f5db0

Transcript

Click on a timestamp to play from that location

0:00.0	Introducing our new how-to masterclass series, learn from Olympic champion, Jess Ennis Hill,
0:06.1	physiologist Olly Patrick, and our very own expert, Damien Hughes, exclusively on the high-performance app.
0:15.3	Please do join me, Vassos Alexander, and dive into the wonderful world of wild swimming in my new book, Swimmingly.
0:22.9	Told through the story of training for a solo channel attempt, we'll travel across the world
0:27.3	from Bournemouth Beach to San Francisco Bay. Along the way, we'll meet Olympic champions
0:32.1	and open water legends and everyday swimmers who forge friendships and share cake
0:37.2	over swims throughout the year,
0:39.2	whatever the weather. Swimmingly, out now and available from all good bookshops and audiobook retailers.
0:47.6	This episode is brought to you by Aura.
0:50.6	Knowing what's going on with our body is really important and using the aura ring has changed
0:55.4	my outlook on my personal health. I agree, Damien. Look, I love the fact that aura attracts your
1:00.5	sleep, your activity, your recovery and so much more. But the best thing is it delivers to you
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1:12.1	Plus, it looks really good. It's just like wearing a wedding ring. It's waterproof and it can be
1:17.0	pretty stylish as well. And I think people often think of things like aura as sorting out their
1:21.5	physical health, but it also tracks your psychological responses. It takes a look at sleep patterns
1:26.6	and then it can identify potential
1:28.2	stress triggers, which I think is a really important metric, particularly as we age.
1:33.1	I found it invaluable in the gym. You know, when you're doing a workout and you think that
1:37.1	you've done as well as you can, the Over Ring tells you, you've actually got a little bit
1:41.1	more you can give. Love that. Well, look, Over Rings's insights can honestly help you become more conscious about living a healthy life.
1:48.6	Give Aura the finger and visit AuraRing.com for more information.
	...

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