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Welcome to Ambridge on the couch, an in-depth look at the arches with me, Jeff Thomas, Lucy Freeman, James Everett and Matt Rodriguez-Pain.

Now, before we make a start on your emails, let's have a recap of what happened this week in Ambridge.

We began the week with Lillian telling Miranda that there was a lot of it about, and Miranda said she couldn't put her finger on it, so a few mixed messages there. Miranda and Lillian got a bit pissy boots and tried to work out why Brian was being so jumpy. He said he was a bit nervous about moving in with Miranda, but that's because that'll put the kibosh on him enjoying lavish farts and sitting in his armchair eating fray bentos pies with no vegetables and cheering raucously when they catch the baddie on police camera action.

David and Ruth were working out whether to give Josh a travel journal or noise cancelling headphones for his trip, but it turned out they were better off giving him a pair of roller skates as he was so keen to leave.

This was all probably to avoid the awkward sushi evening, which was limbering up to be so excruciating,

they went for an excruciating evening at the bull instead.

Indeed, it was so excruciating it rendered Josh and either entirely mute or absent.

So mute that he didn't even say goodbye, just sent them a photo of him with a

pint, giving them a thumbs up. Patagonia, my ass. I bet he's only gone over the bypass and he's

having a lovely time not wading about in chicken shit, listening to his parents tell him what a

disappointment he is. He'll get a nice bed seat with central heating, enjoy not wearing wellies

every day, and go out with a manicurist called Leanne without the whole of Brookfield having opinions.

Georgie had his Alfresco wee hearing and managed to turn it into a full family trip by refusing his mum in too.

But the best thing about it was that Emma stopped excusing him

and made him tell whoever he wanted to tell himself. No fibs, no whitewashing, no hiding. Well done

Emma. Over at Bridge Farm, Tony was Huffy with Helen, who was trying to persuade him that he

wasn't really sad about letting his anguses go in favour of her snotty French mom bellyards. Having reduced her

father to tight-lipped fury, Helen was then terrifically tactful in asking Tracy to celebrate with her

...