Good morning, good morning. How is everyone doing on this Thursday? I just stop and think about what day it was because, comically, yesterday, which was a Wednesday, I thought was a Friday. So clearly, I have not kept track of my days at all. I think that, hopefully, that's a sign of doing things that you absolutely love. And so you just lose track of days because you just get into the momentum. But I've got such a fun IG life for you guys today. Thank

you so much for joining. You are not going to want to miss this. You're not going to want to miss it. I think that makes sense. But yes, I've got a guest on today. Tais Gibson, her work is freaking phenomenal. And hopefully you guys know this about me already. But I'm going to lay out a bit of an explanation. I have so much curiosity and whenever I'm struggling

or I'm going through something out a bit of an explanation. I have so much curiosity and whenever I'm struggling or I'm going through something, my curious is how do I fix it? How do I get better? How do I get more knowledge that I can get more powerful and when I say powerful, I'm in within myself. And so I'm always trying to show up with you guys and just be honest about what's on my mind, what the things I'm struggling with. And so as you guys probably know, I'm working with Mindy Pell's

and talking about my health and my hormones. And I just did an interview yesterday that was insane with Mary Claire Haven. And oh my God, about menopause. And I'm 44, so I'm not in menopause yet, but the curiosity of what we women are about to go through is so fascinating that I need us to pre-empt the hardship that we're about to go through because who wants to actually deal with a

hardship while you're there? Let's actually build the foundation. So I'm showing up every day in order to try and just this is on my mind, this is what I think women are struggling with and then how do we navigate that. And so today Tay Skips and her work is incredible when she talks about attachment styles and this is something I'm learning right right now is attachment style so I'm so excited to have her on let's see if she's got the

ad! work is incredible when she talks about attachment styles and this is something I'm learning right now is attachment styles so I'm so excited to have a run. Let's see if she's got the ad. All right, what up? How are we? Can we hear you now? Hi, can you hear me now? Yes, I have no idea why that happened but I am so glad that it's working down and so glad to be here with you. Thank you so much. I was getting like the hot sweat. I don't know if it's my parry manda pause kicking in or if it was just the pressure of like making sure that we got you on audio. Thank you so much for having me. Thank you for your patience and thank you for letting me join here with you. Really grateful and I love your work. Thank you. Did so, girl. So I was kind of just giving people explanation of why I think it's so important, like why I show up and what I do. And so your work, the attachment style, is something that I've been more and more curious about. And so diving into your world and understanding the attachment styles really helps us. You call it a blueprint. It's a blueprint, I think, to understand ourselves and to understand others. And so before I start asking you questions, guys, hold on to your hats because this is going to be freaking fire. I've seen your work. It's going to be amazing. Guys, if you've got any questions, make sure you type them into the little question box in the bottom and I'm going to be pulling them up and asking questions in real time. So do get your questions ready. All right. question of My first question, of course, is just in the basics, why should we care about attachment styles? Because our attachment style is literally the number one thing that impacts our relationship in my opinion. And if we have attachment styles where there's a sense of compatibility, things can be working for us without us even consciously recognizing. But if you think of your attachment styles basically being the subconscious set of rules, you have about love. It's all these ideas you've basically been conditioned with. What we think our needs should be in relationships, how somebody should show up on a regular basis. And if you have a different rule book than somebody else for love, it's almost like sitting down and we're trying to play a board game and you have the rules for monopoly and I have the rules for Scrabble Like we're gonna have a lot of issues and challenges even though we may really care and want to be playing the game There's gonna be all of these challenges unnecessarily because we have these different subconscious rules So once we understand our attachment style and also how we can even become more secure or remove any unhealthy patterns It really opens us to to explore relationships more deeply, get our needs met better, and having a lot more longevity. Okay. I love that. So everyone, if you're not bull in, I don't know what's going to get you to buy into this because that is so powerful. And I think for me, I kind of used the words like frame of reference. And so we always don't know. We have a frame of reference sometimes, right? So it's like, you can go around until you do your work.

You go around like just assuming it is fact, right? So like if someone loves you based on your own attachment style, it's like, there's sort of course they're going to buy your flowers. Of course they're going to tell you you love you. But that's your frame of reference. If someone else comes from a different family, a different perspective, will up in a different way they may see that as a threat or if they don't say they love me then they don't care about me.

So just to kind of family, a different perspective, but up in a different way, they may see that as a threat,

or if they don't say they love me, then they don't care about me. So just to kind of let everyone know that that's kind of what you're talking about here, right? Is that we all have a different frame of reference and understanding your own and understanding your partner's frame of reference allows you, like you said, about the board games to play the same game with the same whoo book? I'm not correct so

wotely that is absolutely correct and

it empowers us to understand like what somebody really is needing because different people we tend to project from our perception. So if for me a big need is emotional connection and deep conversation but for somebody else a big need in relationships is trying new things together and it's based around novelty. Well, I'm going to always be trying to love, according to what's familiar to me. And that can actually not land with somebody else. And there's a wonderful work of Dr. Gary Chapman where he talks about the five love languages, but I would actually make the argument that our needs in relationships, which I'm largely to do with our attachment style, are more impactful than the love languages, because I have a big love language for quality time. But if I go watch Netflix with somebody and that's our quality time, I have a need for emotional connection. It's going to be more meaningful for me to have a deep conversation with somebody and to really share and be vulnerable and talk about things than it is to just have the love language for quality time where we're just sitting watching a movie. So our needs are more specific. They help us feel more labs and connected. And the needs that we have are the lifeblood of relationships. When needs don't get met, that's where statistically you'll see people stray or have more arguments or more challenges because that's the deepest way that we get and receive love. All right, Gelsa, let's start talking about the needs.

So if we can go through the attachment styles,

because I want everyone listening right now, this is gonna be, we got like 20 minutes, 25 minutes to really get us, I want everyone to get a pen, a paper out and start writing down. So A, I want you, if you don't mind, going through the attachment styles, and that people that are listening can write down what their attachment style is.

I'd love to then go through

what the needs of those attachment styles are

and then what languages they can use to their partner so they can be heard and seen. Is that cool? Absolutely, absolutely. I love that. So there are four major attachment styles. This work is originally done by John Volby and Mary Innsworth out of Cambridge University. This is something that I've really iterated on over the past decade, talking about how we can heal and change our attachment style to become more secure. So the first attachment style is the securely attached style. They basically grow up with a lot of what we call approach oriented behaviors and psychology. So if they are distressed, they're crying as children, they have on that needs, their parents will come towards them, they'll try to stew them to grow up, what's going wrong. And in doing that, what you'll see is this child grows up to feel like, well, my needs are worthy of being met. It's safe to be vulnerable and a moat, and I can count on other people, I can trust them, I can rely on them. And so they grow up with a healthy foundation of modeling for healthy relationships. The most individuals are not securely attached. Before you move on though, but that one is like you won't really see jealousy in that person's at right, like what kind of woman is like the characteristic traits of them? So they're more trustworthy or they ask for something. Okay. Yeah, so they're more trustworthy. They statistically have the most thriving relationships based on reported happiness and their relationships, but also on longevity. And I think that those are two important markers to differentiate because lots of people can be in a long-term relationship but be unhappy, right? So we actually, we want that part of the thriving component to be there. That's so true. And I assume that they're going to be better at setting boundaries.

So they're really good with boundaries. They're really good with communicating to other individuals. They're good at being clear about how to work through conflict. So if there's a conflict, they're not going to necessarily overreact because they have less of what we call core wounds or triggers. So they're going to be less reactive, less triggered. going to have a much easier time letting people rely on them and also relying on other people. So they're safe and comfortable in vulnerability. They feel comfortable topping things out. They don't like to sweep things under the rug. And so generally, they also have a lot more confidence in self-esteem and relationships. They feel worthy of love worthy of their needs being met, all of those foundational pieces they took from their childhood. And so secure individuals usually end up getting married, saying married, and actually being happy in those relationships. All right, before we move on to the next one, Bonnie actually asked a great question to securely attach parents, where you securely attach children. The fantastic question, statistically yes. And it's because, because, you know, securely attached parents also generally when we're less triggered, we're going to see that because we're less triggered as often, we have more emotional bandwidth to be attuned to our children. We have that ability to connect more deeply to be more present. And so that allows for that relationship to thrive and build in a really big way. Whereas if somebody is more insecure, they're more triggered, they're more distressed, they have more on that needs in their life and relationships, then we have less to get. And so that person having that own interstability in the relationship to themselves absolutely makes it more likely to have that foundation of building secure relationships with the children. Okay, amazing. So I think we all want to have secure attachment styles. And like you said, most of us aren't. So but I love that you actually said, but we can become. So I want people to know again, when you're listening, guys, this isn't death sentence. It's a no where you are and then know where you're trying to get to and then create a pathway in order to go from one attachment style to the secure. So, fear not, we're going to give you the gems.

Okay. and then know where you're trying to get to and then create a pathway in order to go from one attachment style to the secure. So fair not, we're going to give you the gems. Okay, so now let's go to the other attachment styles. Yes, so the other three are our insecure attachment styles and they are anxious preoccupied, dismissive avoidant and fearful of way. Now, anxious preoccupies basically grow up with loving parents and a loving home, but there's a lot of inconsistency. So it could be, for example, that the parents are loving, but they both work very long hours, and they may be traveled for work all the time. So there's either some sort of perceived abandonment, because in that case, a child gets conditioned through repetition and emotion to be like, love is there, but love is. Love is there. Love is taken away because parents are learning but then they're gone. Parents are learning but then they're gone. So it will either be marked by real abandonment where there's a divorce for a single and a parent kind of out of their life or perceived abandonment is the much more common where now there's this sort of disconnect happening. And so, so do you go ahead? So I'm just gonna also, do you see that quite commonly in people divorced children of divorced families? Absolutely. You'll definitely see though that it can go all three and secure attachment styles because the divorce could be that there's a sin consistency. But if it's a really intense divorce with a lot of chaos, a lot of identification, we may see a fearful avoid an attachment style, which will come to. Or if after the divorce, there's a single parent that neglects the child, that'll be more in alignment with dismissal. So the main themes would be that there's like this abandonment from one figure, or there's this inconsistency. Love is there. Love is taken away. Love is there, love is taken away. And that inconsistency, because the sub-punches mind really gets programmed through repetition and emotion, that inconsistency will create this constant hyper-vigilance and walking on eggshells always waiting for abandonment to happen. So as an adult, the anxious attachment style, their big core wounds and fears and relationships, which are basically our relationship baggage. These are the things that we're taking from the past, projecting onto the present or future. And those big core wounds for anxious individuals are, I will be abandoned, I'll be alone, I'll be excluded, disliked, rejected, or not good enough. And those are these big fears that they're carrying all the time, and they project outwardswards fairly frequently onto their partners. Now, their big needs and relationships as adults become that they really want somebody to be there and be able to be consistent, give them a sense of certainty, make them feel special, important, prioritized, loved, you know, like they really matter because those are things that they were missing from their childhood and they as adults Unfortunately, because they're so afraid of abandonment often don't end up in lasting relationships because they kind of cling to tightly and it's almost like the sand falling beneath your fingers, right? You hold on so tight and it sort of seeps through anxious attachment styles tries of desperately to hold on, but often they accidentally push people away. Because they're clingy or needy, they may call a lot in relationships as somebody doesn't answer. And they often accidentally violate other people's boundaries because they're a boundaryless. And so they think, well, since I don't have boundaries, why does anybody have boundaries? We love each other, we don't need boundaries. And so the anxious attachment style have those big abandonment fears,

a lot of needs in relationships

for that sense of importance.

And then they really struggle with boundaries overall.

All right, so I was watching some people say,

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