Hey, deserving listeners, it is just me today. I thought I would answer patron emails. This first email is from patron Keegan, he writes,

you've talked a lot about family systems and it has opened my eyes to some issues within my own family.

My older brother, who is 30, has fetal alcohol syndrome and bipolar disorder, but he is very high functioning.

I've noticed that between him and my grandmother, who raised us, there's an over-functioner, under-functioner relationship.

Because of his disabilities, most of his life, he has been treated like he is incapable of being responsible for himself as an adult,

which isn't true. And because my grandmother loves him and worries about him, she frequently tries to be an over-functioner with him.

My question is, when it comes to people with mental disabilities,

how do we find a balance of understanding that they need some assistance in life,

but also not preventing them from being responsible adults through over-functioning end of email?

Yeah, this is a common issue and it makes sense, right, as you point out, Keegan, that when you have someone with the disability or even like they're insecure or they were traumatized,

you know, they have reasons to be scared of the world or to have low self-esteem.

Where do you draw the line as a parent or a caregiver between helping that person in a helpful way,

and also how do you draw the line between helping them and hindering them?

Because through over-helping and over-functioning and over-protectiveness, you can harm the child or the adult child, your older brother is 30,

by giving the impression that the person cannot do things on their own and by teaching the person, the younger person, the dependent person,

that the world is very scary and that those messages can be so ingrained and so pervasive in the young and the dependent person's psyche that they

one believe that the world is very, very scary when it isn't as scary as they make it out to be and that they are incapable of navigating those waters.

So where do you draw the line? Because on one hand, you say that your brother probably needs some help,

but he doesn't need that much help. You know, it's hard to say, it's hard to navigate that, it's a hard question to answer.

And in the best of circumstances, even if you have a kid who hasn't any traumas or, you know, has been raised pretty well,

how do you know that line? Now some kids will make it happen for themselves, they'll just be like, I'm out of here,

and I'm going to become competent whether you want me to or not because I'm 18, I'm moving out of the house, this is going to happen.

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