Esther Calling - I Can Break up with Him But I'm Still Stuck With Myself

Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel

Esther Perel Global Media

Mental Health, Society & Culture, Self-improvement, Education, Health & Fitness

4.7 • 15.6K Ratings

🗓️ 24 February 2025

⏱️ 40 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

Esther talks with a woman who is contemplating ending her five-year long-distance relationship. She reflects on avoidant behavior, stemming from a fear of intimacy and rejection, and the complex dynamics of her family background. Esther helps her confront these deeply rooted fears, encouraging her to vocalize her needs and to realize that not everything negative is about her. The conversation opens up pathways for the woman to seek closeness and be seen, ultimately aiming to break free from a life defined by fear and distance. Esther Callings are a one time, 45-60 minute interventional phone call with Esther. They are edited for time, clarity, and anonymity. If you have a question you would like to talk through with Esther, send a voice memo to [email protected]. Want to learn more? Receive monthly insights, musings, and recommendations to improve your relational intelligence via email from Esther: https://www.estherperel.com/newsletter Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Transcript

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0:00.0	I'm 37, about to be 38 actually in a few days, and I have been in a long-distance relationship
0:10.0	for the last five years of my life, and I think it's time to end it.
0:16.0	And my partner is very loving, he's very caring.
0:23.6	I feel like a vacation AI girlfriend and his perception of time is different to mine.
0:27.9	He has ADHD and he has the privilege of not having to worry
0:31.6	about biological clock and his proposal for me to move to America is not supported by a plan or by
0:41.5	he lives in a cabin he works a part-time university job so not by a structure that would support me
0:48.0	for the time that I would need to settle I am Ukrainian I live in Bangladesh I've lived here for most of my life. My parents moved here
0:57.0	when I was in elementary school and I made it my home. It's very jarring for me to imagine moving
1:04.3	again. And besides that, I have a thriving life here. I have a community. I'm an artist. I'm an
1:10.2	activist. I love it.
1:14.4	For me to leave would mean to leave everything I've built.
1:18.2	And I don't know if I would be able to come back because of visas and things like that.
1:22.5	And my home country is at war.
1:25.2	So the proposal is very vague and my trust is gone and so is time. Time is gone and I regret that I
1:39.1	didn't clock it earlier and my question is how do I stop doing this because I fear that I consented to being loved
1:50.0	at a distance because of something deeper inside me and this fear of being truly seen I don't want
1:59.2	that fear to dominate my life and I don't want that fear to dominate my life.
2:02.1	And I don't want to live like that anymore.
2:15.6	Thumbtack presents the ins and outs of caring for your home.
2:18.3	Out. Uncertainty. Self-doubt.
2:22.3	Stressing about not knowing where to start.
	...

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