How do you pass up the opportunity to spit blood and Joan Baez's face?

I've read Mark Twain. I've read Huckleberry Finn.

I think I earned the right to go out of the internet and see a guy get a chainsaw on the face.

Dude, my dad was drunk and my mom was dealing with it.

Guess what?

I get raised by a cookie monster.

My con looks like it's been in a hockey flight.

Time my stupidity.

It's at the speed of goddamn light.

I got a bunch of the clocks.

Hey, what's happening?

Mike Schmidt, 40-year-old boy podcast.

Folks, I want to help you.

I do.

I wish I could reach out there and do what I could to make sure that you were warm and safe and happy, and I could maybe wrap you up in four blankets and ten layers of clothing and just hold you in a gigantic bear hug. You know what I could probably do?

If I just laid on top you, that would warm me up.

I'm a big giant dude.

I could just lay on top you like a big flesh blanket.

Oh, boy, doesn't that?

Doesn't that sound appetizing?

I can't believe that came out of my fucking mouth.

Jesus Christ.

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