How do you pass up the opportunity to spit blood in Joan Baez's face? Dude, I'm so funny I inverted an epiglottis.

Let's round him a faceless and get some pajamas.

Dude, I didn't know my head was a bank.

That's fucking awesome.

I want to eat so many ducy rolls.

I just shit a tire.

I jerked off with this towel so much, it might be a surfboard.

Mr. Schmidt is an entertainer.

Not a cool.

Hey, what's happening in Mike Schmidt,

40-year-old boy podcast?

You know what?

I'm thinking it better for the show

than anything else,

or at least good for the show.

Well, maybe I'm wrong.

It's not better than anything else.

I don't want to go that far. If I was to make a list of things good for the show, a giant influx of lottery winnings would probably be number one.

Because then I could travel all over the place.

Holy fuck, as I've mentioned before, if I was rich.

I'd just wear a richy rich outfit and carry my gold fork and eat food off other people's plates

and go visit all these other countries and be a weirdo.

...