How do you pass up the opportunity to spit blood in Joan Baez's face? Dude, I'm so funny I had murdered an Epiglottis.

Let's round him a faceless and get some pajamas.

Dude, I didn't know my head was a bank.

That's fucking awesome.

I want to eat so many dozy rolls.

I just shit a tire.

I jerked off in this towel so much, it might be a surfboard.

Mr. Schmidt is an entertainer.

Not a cool.

Hey, what's happened to Mike Schmidt, 40-year-old boy podcast?

Hey, it's Friday, which means it's not Thursday, which means I'm late.

You know what I feel like?

This is totally true.

I feel like when I was a kid and I used to do something wrong in school. And I was always fine doing it in the moment, but then later when I had to deal with the

consequences of that, like, you know, ditching a class and having to try to steal the referral

or sneaking back into class the next day with no excuse or not doing a homework assignment

that I knew was due the next morning that was going to fuck me up. I, I, uh, I would

have this dread. Like, it would be this thing, like, I would leave on Friday. You know, I'd do

something bad on a Friday in school. And then I'd leave and I'd be like, ha ha, Saturday. Yay, Friday

night is fun. Go out with my friends. And then, yay, Saturday, basketball at the Eldome and then we'll fucking do this and hang out or whatever and um well we

didn't really play basketball at the eldom in high school but Saturday we'd do things we'd play

baseball whatever the fuck chores would be done I'd get to go out and spend time and then Sunday would

...