How do you pass up the opportunity to spit blood and Joan Baez's face?

I've read Mark Twain. I've read Huckleberry Finn. I think I earned the right to go out of the internet and see a guy get a chainsaw on the face.

Dude, my dad was drunk and my mom was dealing with it. Guess what? I get raised by cookie monster.

My con looks like it's been in a hockey flight. Time is stupidity. It's at the speed of goddamn light.

I got a bunch of the clocks.

Hey, what's happened to Mike Schmidt, 40-year-old boy podcast?

You know what?

I'm going to get this off my chest right in the beginning of the show.

I'm going to tell you right here from the jump.

Ladies and gentlemen, I don't want you to think that I'm leading you down a primrose path. I don't want you to think that I'm leading you astray. I don't want you to think that I'm fooling you in some way. I don't want you to think that I'm trying to trick you by putting a whole bunch of podcast candy under a box with a stick. And then when you get under

it, I'm going to pull out the metaphorical

tablecloth underneath your metaphorical dishes here in our metaphorical kitchen. You remember

metaphorical kitchen, don't you? Oh, my, you know what? That's absolutely my favorite Woody Guthrie

album. I'm not going to lie to you. That is saying something. Holy shit, is that saying something?

You're damn right, because I think you all out there, everybody out there knows what a fan of I am of Guthrie.

Oh, Jesus.

Listen, if there's anybody out there that you thought to yourselves, I bet this guy would really enjoy the music of a hobo.

That's going to be me, right?

And that's why I love a Woody Guthrie.

Just him wearing the dirtiest suit imaginable sitting on the side of the road yelling at Bob Dylan. And, you know, oftentimes I will go into an establishment and I will say,

I am not going to eat here or drink here, sir, or madam, until you guthrie this

fucking place up.

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