The story so far. Edgar Maplethorpe, an emotionally complicated luggage carrier who works aboard the S.S. Jonathan Franzen, played by Luther Abel in dashing Neo-Edwardian naval uniform, is on his way to America for the first time,

where he intends to meet his betrothed Eloise McCarthy, played brilliantly by Michael Brendan Dowdy in a feather boa and miniskirt. P

played brilliantly by Michael Brendan Dowdy in a feather bower and miniskirt.

But little do they know that beneath the icy waves of the North Atlantic

lies a prototype submarine staffed entirely by diminutive Jack Butler's with preposterous monocles

and over-the-top German accents.

Meanwhile, aboard the ship, Dr Prandig von Harfenstaff, inventor of the bookmark, has lost his favorite

hip flask, a gift from the Empress of Belgium during the last major war.

In his search for it he is being aided by Dorothy Martin, a pretty young scullery

made played to great effect by Noah Rothman with the help of a second-hand prosthetic leg. To make matters worse, the captain... Charlie? Yes, Luther?

What are you doing, Charlie? I'm doing my radio play. What? My radio play? You know the one about Edgar Maplethorp and Dr Prandig von Harf and stuff?

No, no, I think not. You think not? I think not. Why not?

Because it's very silly.

Silly?

It's very silly.

None of these people exist.

Well, in fairness, neither do you. You died in episode, whatever it was.

What does it say about you that you're visited by a ghost this close to Christmas?

You may want to get on with it, Charles.

All right. Welcome to episode 50 of the Charles C. W. Cook podcast.

Life begins at 50, they say, except for Luther, of course.

Or should I say, Edgar Maplethorpe, whose work carrying luggage

...