EPISODE 209: Mental Load: The #1 Desire Killer

Pillow Talks

Vanessa & Xander Marin

Health & Fitness, Sexuality

4.8 • 2.2K Ratings

🗓️ 22 May 2025

⏱️ 60 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

🧾️ Download transcript

Summary

Does sex feel like a chore to you? According to 86% of our audience? Yes. Maybe sex doesn’t feel great. Maybe it it’s more about your partner getting their needs met than you. Maybe it’s just started to feel like another thing to check off your list. But maybe the issue isn’t sex at all. Maybe it’s that you’re carrying too much — between the keeping the household running (and kind of clean), parenting logistics, and the weight of every single thing it takes to adult… It’s not that sex is a chore: it’s that chores are sabotaging your sex life! In this episode, we’re breaking down how mental load affects desire, intimacy, and overall relationship satisfaction (spoiler alert: a lot more than you think). And of course, we’re sharing practical tools to help lighten the load and bring the connection back. 💛 Here’s what we’re covering: What mental load actually is Why resentment and “keeping score” kill intimacy What happens when your partner starts to feel more like your kid than your teammate How to have more conversations about sharing the load What you can do today to start shifting the dynamic Whether you’re feeling unseen, exhausted, or just plain over it—this episode is here to help you feel more supported, connected, and so much less alone. ⏰ Last chance to snag 2 of our most supportive tools in the shop! ⏰ The Mental Load Workbook and Your Best Week Ever are officially retiring on May 25th. These are the last few days to grab these super affordable and potentially life-changing products. We designed them to help you: Rebalance the invisible labor in your relationship Get on the same page with your partner (without nagging or blowing up) Reconnect emotionally and physically—even when life is busy These are the strategies that helped us transform our own dynamic — and we want that for you too! 🗓 Sunday, May 25th is the final day to buy them a la carte. 🧠 Mental Load Workbook: 👉🏻 https://shop.vmtherapy.com/mental-load-workbook?ref=snst25-podcast-209&utm_term=snst25-podcast-209 💓 Your Best Week Ever 👉🏻 https://buy.vmtherapy.com/best-week-ever-only?ref=snst25-podcast-209&utm_term=snst25-podcast-209 STAY CONNECTED: 📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns. Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods! ================================= THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ================================= 👏 Thanks Dipsea. Get a 30 day free trial ➡︎ https://dipseastories.com/pillow 👏 Thanks StoryWorth. Save $15 during their Father's Day sale ➡︎ https://storyworht.com/pillow. 👏Thanks Alloy. Get $20 off your first order today. ➡︎ https://myalloy.com/PILLOW 👏Thanks Goodwipes. Goodwipes will elevate your everyday hygiene with premium wipes that deliver a superior clean that no dry toilet paper can match. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Transcript

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0:00.0	My husband will never, ever understand how exhausted I am, how much I think about and handle
0:06.5	silently.
0:07.5	I feel unseen and unappreciated.
0:10.7	And when we posted this question, so many people DM'd us and said that mental load imbalances
0:17.9	is what ended their relationship or even led to divorce. So this is a serious issue.
0:24.4	This is not a, oh, yeah, like, oh, a couple extra things to think about. Oh, you're just making it so
0:29.9	much harder on yourself. Like, this is leading to divorces and breakups. This is a big deal.
0:36.1	Yeah. and breakups. This is a big deal. Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your host, Vanessa, and Zander Marin.
0:49.0	I'm a sex therapist with over 20 years of experience. And I'm just a regular dude. We share
0:54.0	the ups and downs in our relationship
0:55.7	while giving you step-by-step techniques
0:57.8	for improving yours.
0:59.4	Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date
1:01.7	full of totally doable sex tips,
1:04.0	practical relationship advice,
1:05.9	hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on
1:09.0	behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the
1:12.6	sex education you wish you'd had. We are 100% recording this time. I can see...
1:19.9	Are you positive? I can see the green on that left one. I can see the green on that right one.
1:24.7	Because two days ago, we recorded this entire podcast and that was only green on
1:31.3	one of the mics. Vanessa's mic we could have actually released the podcast and just been Vanessa's
1:36.9	half. I had some good observations but you know it's fine. It's good enough with just Vanessa right.
	...

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