EPISODE 202: Am I being defensive, or am I defending myself?

Pillow Talks

Vanessa & Xander Marin

Health & Fitness, Sexuality

4.8 • 2.2K Ratings

🗓️ 3 April 2025

⏱️ 53 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

We’ve all had that moment — your partner brings something up, and suddenly you’re snapping back with a list of everything they did wrong. But wait… is that defensiveness, or are you just defending yourself? This week, we’re diving into one of the trickiest relationship dynamics out there: defensiveness. And we’re not just talking about it — we’re unpacking real, raw stories straight from you. From sex drive mismatches to mental load meltdowns, parenting disagreements to pasta-water disputes (yep, really), these stories highlight how easy it is to get caught in the cycle of feeling blamed, getting reactive, and shutting down. But we’re also sharing tips to break out of that cycle — with more compassion, more understanding, and way fewer spirals. What You’ll Hear In This Episode: ✅ What defensiveness actually looks like (and why it shows up so fast) ✅ The difference between explaining yourself and shutting down ✅ Real-life listener stories around parenting, mental load, and misunderstandings ✅ What it really means to validate your partner (without agreeing) ✅ How to talk to your partner without triggering defensiveness ✅Practical ways to pause, reflect, and repair (without spiraling) Links & Resources: Check out DEEPER — our new membership with full access to VanessaAI, monthly date night ideas, live calls with us, and more Grab The Ultimate Foreplay Guides to level-up your pleasure skills Follow us on Instagram for more relationship tips and convos Want us to cover your story next? Keep an eye on our IG Stories for callouts Join our email list – Be the first to know about exclusive offers, new products, and exciting updates: vmtherapy.com/subscribe ================================= THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ================================= 👏Thanks Chewy. Take advantage of amazing holiday savings and shop your personal favorites. Get 20% off your first order ➡︎ https://chewy.com/pillows 👏Thanks Beam. Get up to 40% off for a limited time ➡︎ https://shopbeam.com/PILLOW Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Transcript

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0:00.0	This is your fault for scheduling this thing in the middle of the day.
0:03.7	You knew that this was a busy day and yet you scheduled this thing.
0:07.1	I had to schedule this appointment today because you mixed up our schedules and when my appointment was originally scheduled, you scheduled something different.
0:14.1	So I had to move it.
0:24.6	Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your host, Vanessa, and Zander Marin.
0:27.6	I'm a sex therapist with over 20 years of experience.
0:30.6	And I'm just a regular dude.
0:31.6	We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step-by-step techniques for improving yours.
0:42.8	Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom
0:48.5	doors and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had.
1:03.7	Today's episode is a listener request. We are going into a hot topic today, defensiveness.
1:10.2	The D word. We were talking about something totally different a few weeks ago. I think we were going over a story and we kind
1:11.8	of mentioned defensiveness. We touched on it very lightly. And we said, if you want a full episode
1:17.3	about defensiveness, I think we were maybe starting to go on a little tangent about defensiveness.
1:20.9	We cut ourselves off and we're like, it's a big topic. Yeah, we're like, okay, if you want a whole
1:24.3	episode about this, let us know. And boy, oh boy, did you guys let us
1:30.5	know? You really wanted us to talk about defensiveness. So we decided to do an entire episode
1:36.9	today all about defensiveness, what it is, how it impacts our relationships. We're going
1:43.0	into a few stories from our community about
1:46.3	times that left them wondering. We actually put up a question box and we said, do you have an
1:50.2	experience that just left you wondering, am I defending myself or am I being defensive?
1:55.9	Because that can, yeah, there's a, there's a fine line there. So we've got some very interesting stories that we're going to break apart too and just
	...

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