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Welcome to Ambridge on the couch. An in-depth look at the archers with me, Jeff Thomas, Lucy Freeman, James Everett and Matt Rodriguez-Pain.

Now, before we make a start on your emails, let's have a recap of what happened this week in Ambridge.

This week was brought to you by blue lights and my heartfelt commitment and oath never to watch the damn thing even by accident.

Now they're doing some extraordinary cross-show pollination thing. They can pack that up right now.

We began the week with Alice and Rex fanning around being secret, as we all predicted.

Far more damage is done by people in Ambridge attempting to be secret than by just behaving like grown-ups in the first place.

Kate was told to keep stum, and it was literally 20 minutes later

when she was spouting like a geese at her crusty.

Alice and Rex's relationship went down like a cup of cold sick with Chris.

He went all chilly and said it was great and then hit metal things really hard while

poor Rex shouted over the noise.

This was after Martha's birthday party in which she seemed to show distinct musselini-like

tendencies with a keen interest in the trains running on time, shouting at people and hanging

people from lampposts. Great Grandma Peggy is strong in this one, I suspect. More babies over at Grange

Farm. Eddie appears to be trying to have the Grundy Ling christened when it hasn't even been born yet,

which is frankly bizarre. That is, if its father can stay out of Nick for long enough, as he's now been reported

for Willie waving in public after peeing up the bus stop. Admittedly, I have peed over most

of Snowdonia, but I still feel I am justified about being annoyed at George, as a bus stop on

...