Let go or be dragged. My name is Andrea and this is adult child.

Welcome back to adult child where we take a deep dive into the impact of growing up in a dysfunctional family.

And today we are diving deep into detaching with love. And I can't think of better guests to dive into this topic than my guest today.

The co-authors of the memoir The Lost Years, surviving a mother and daughter's worst nightmare.

Christina Wandslack and her lovely mother Constance Curry.

Now if you haven't read this book, you need to, okay? But to provide a little context for anyone who has not read it yet, this is not your average addiction memoir.

This book is a look into the perspective and suffering of both the teenage addict Christina and the co-dependent Connie, her mother.

And this book is so damn good because not only is it a raw and vulnerable illustration of the detrimental impact that addiction has on the entire family, it is a beautiful illustration of detaching with love and the ripple effect that one family member seeking recovery can have on the entire family unit.

Now the pivotal turning point in this book is when Connie realizes that the problem is not her daughter, but the dysfunctional family system at large and that she needed to seek her own recovery, not because this would somehow get Christina sober, but because she was sick too.

And it would be through the program of Alan on that she would learn how to detach with love and learn how to set healthy boundaries, which would ultimately play a major role in Christina finally hitting bottom and finding recovery at 21.

Now just like the purpose of AA is not to learn how to drink successfully, the purpose of Alan on and other family support programs is not to fix our loved ones.

It is about fixing ourselves. As we've talked so much about throughout the podcast addiction, alcoholism, dysfunction is a family disease, meaning everyone in the family is sick. Yes, every damn one of us, even if we aren't the identified patient, the addict, the alcoholic, the narcissist, the abuser, we still play a role in keeping the dysfunction alive and thriving.

And we will continue to until we seek recovery and healing for ourselves. Now one of the most important concepts we must learn in adult child recovery is how to detach with love from our family members who are still sick and suffering.

Now what the hell does detaching with love mean? Detaching with love means we stop obsessively worrying about others, telling them what to do, trying to rescue them, it means we no longer allow the actions or inactions of another to dictate our peace of mind, it means we sit in the driver seat of our own serenity and happiness.

Now I had a pivotal moment around six years sober, which was actually before I officially started my adult child recovery, but I remember being on the phone with a family member and essentially yelling at them to get sober.

And when I hung up that phone, I felt like absolute shit. And it was in that moment that I realized that my attempts to change a family member who didn't want to change was not only having no positive impact on the situation, but it was actually harming me.

And it was in that moment that I finally fully accepted that I could not save this family member and that the absolute best way I could positively impact this situation was to take care of myself and become the best and highest version of myself.

Now to sum the concept of detachment seems selfish or unloving, but in fact it is the most loving thing we can do. We are no longer eating and abetting in the dysfunction and we allow the opportunity for others to hit their bottoms.

And this is an opportunity for others to hit their bottoms. There is no guarantee that detaching with love will result in our loved ones seeking recovery for themselves.

But the odds are sure as hell better for this happening when we detach rather than staying sick ourselves. Now detaching with love is an action.

An action that helps us stay in our own lane to focus on what we can control and what is our own responsibility and not to interfere in other people's lives and choices.

So here are some examples of detaching with love, not giving unsolicited advice, setting boundaries, allowing others to experience the natural consequences of their actions, recognizing that your feelings and needs are valid, expressing your own opinions and feelings, taking a time out from an unproductive or hurtful argument,

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