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Welcome to Ambridge on the couch and in in-depth look at the archers.

We've already done the podcast, actually.

We've been talking for the last 25 minutes.

We did an in-depth look at life, didn't we?

We did, before we started.

Which was actually much more interesting.

With me, Jeff Thomas, Lucy Freeman, James Everett and Matt Rodriguez-Pain. We've signed things so we can't tell you what we were talking about.

But before we make a start on your emails, let's have a recap of what happened this week in Ambridge.

We began the week with the rerun of last week's shit show. Oh, truly we are spoiled. Not just one flour and produce, but two.

This time, two of the least qualified people in the entire village were called upon to judge

the vegetables, namely Azra and Alan, and Azra promptly put the fear of God into Alan by

telling him that he had toxic squash syndrome after he had one nibble of a corgette.

Toxic squash syndrome is like the thing you read about on the insert in a tampon packet

when you have nothing else to read and then you become frightened to death.

Ben swept the board at the flour and produce and decided to give the three prizes to Jill.

And she can combine them all and sit in the gay grey grables to coozy while she tastes wine

and then has Leonard Fork a three-course meal down her gullet. No worries about dropping stuff down her front as she'll be in her cosy anyway, so the bits of coolly can bob alongside her, smashing. Georgie's glorious homecoming fiesta is being held, not in a guinea pig hutch, which could well be but at number one the green emma threatened

amber with a spider and a glass at little grange until she agreed to let susan and neal come to the party

...