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Welcome to Ambridge on the couch, an in-depth look at the archers with me, Jeff Thomas, Lucy Freeman, James Everett and Matt Rodriguez-Pain.

Now, before we make a start on your emails, let's have a recap of what happened. I'm laughing already.

Let's have a recap of what happened this week in Ambridge.

This week in Ambridge was sponsored by the words full bladder and an entirely unnecessary recipe for coldslaw.

We began the week at Bridge Farm with everybody bitching at everybody else as usual. Once again, it was about Tom and Helen competing for who Mummy loves more. And the answer was, once again, Mummy loves John more. If ever there was a case for two offspring moving to the other side of the country slash world and beginning again, it's these two. That dynamic is never going to change and it's just exhausting. Anyway, everything had settled down for a bit so Helen got

bored and suggested an audit just to get everyone good and riled up. Once it was completed, Helen said

they'd taken a big hit after the sewage and she'd fallen into cheese. That's insult to injury.

Helen had an absolute riot waving the audit results about and telling everyone that their bit wasn't doing as well as her bit.

Apparently, the Anguses have not been pulling their weight, which prompted Tony to not just throw his toys, but to aim them directly at his daughter's head.

Nothing is going to be decided in a rush, said Pat.

Has she been to bridge from?

Celia Sparrow turned up to see Helen, which must

have been super for both of them. She got hijacked by Tracy, who gave away lots of industry cheesy

secrets, and we learned about Ruben, who is Alex James, and who is now running Little Croxley

Organics. Celia wants Helen to go and run it because of her dynamism. Dynamism! She uses up

most of her energy, sighing. Over at the barge, things were being buttoned and unbuttoned and

there were squelchy noises, which may have been a beaver, I don't know. While they were squelching

away, I just kept thinking, I do hope they remember to ring that restaurant and cancelers.

...