Welcome to the total soccercer Show and our Champions League round of 16 review.

Real Madrid spent Valentine's Week in Paris, but there wasn't much love for their display.

Sala and Femigno were heroes at the San Ciro, as into shots on target tally red zero. There's no away goals, but there were still holes in Byans' back line. And Manciti gave us a sterling performance in Lisbon, where Portugal's best defence was about as strong as Graham Rutherland's best defence of the terrible food that he eats all the time. Wow. My name's Ryan Bailey. Joining us today is a man currently serving a life sentence for murdering Graham on air yesterday. Joe Lowry, hello. Yeah, Ryan, the reception and the signal from this prison cell is a lot better than I thought it would be. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to be on today, but I'm happy to be back. Very happy to have you. Orange is your colour. Looking good, Joe. Looking good. Also here is your victim. He's a

he's barely here though because none of the food he likes has enough nutrients to sustain human

life, Graham. Is that right? I mean, I am recording with a chip and bean butty in each hand just to

spite all of you. I made it specifically for this recording.

I hope that's true, and you hold them for the entire recording, Graham.

Just to prove a point.

Just to prove a point.

Rounding out our intrepid pack for this recording,

it's a man who just found out what the British equivalent of dolletry is called Taylor Rock.

Well, hello.

Hello, I've already forgotten, but I know it was hilarious, and I really enjoyed the British people who follow my Twitter account, not being certain why I thought it was so funny, but I did enjoy it very much, and I enjoy that you both immediately confirmed that that is what that story is called. Taylor, if I said to you, would you like me to take you to Poundland? What would you say?

I mean, I've been waiting, Ryan.

I'm so excited.

What do you find you to poundland? What would you say? I mean, I've been

waiting, Ryan. I'm so excited. What do you find in poundland? Genuinely speaking. Everything.

It's an everything store. You can get anything you want in pound land. All right. But is it like,

is it similar to Dollar Tree here where you're getting lots of things, but maybe not superior

quality things?

Yes, yeah.

I think that's fair to say.

...