Hi! You're listening to Small Things Often from the Gottman Institute, where we talk you through research-based tips to help improve your relationships in five minutes or less.

Today's tip is about how to process difficult emotions. It's not easy. Every relationship has moments that may irritate, anger, or frustrate us.

Most people automatically default to

one of two ways of dealing with these feelings. Bottling or brooding. Don't know which you do?

Take a listen to this scenario and think about how you would react. Every week for the last month,

you've asked your partner to sit down and go over the household finances.

And they always say, sure, of course. But then at the designated time, they always have an excuse.

The law needs to be mowed. Their dad needs their help. A work project needs to be finished.

And week after week, you're stuck with figuring out all the bills yourself, and you're completely

frustrated and angry and hurt. So how do you handle these emotions? Maybe you bottle them up

and push everything down, keeping your feelings locked inside. If this is the case, you may

rationalize to yourself. I'm upset they keep avoiding this discussion.

But really, in the scheme of things, it's no big deal. So I'll just keep doing the bills myself

till they have time to help. I'm fine. But really, you don't feel fine at all. Or maybe you go to

the other extreme and brood about the situation. You become so consumed with anger and frustration that it's

difficult to do or think about anything else but your partner's disregard of your needs. You can't let

go of the anger. You obsess on your hurt. You dwell on their insensitivity. Some people even go back

and forth between the two. They bottle up the emotions till they can't take it anymore.

Then start brooding about them. Then feel bad about brooding and start bottling again.

And then they explode. Not a good scenario for any relationship. But don't beat yourself up.

Your instinct to bottle or brood comes with some very good intentions, feeling that somehow you're

handling your emotions effectively. But that's actually not the case. Both bottling and brooding can

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