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I've memorized the scene.

Welcome to Ambridge on the couch and in-depth a look at the archers with me, Harriet Carmichael, Jeff Thomas, Lucy B Freeman, Matt Rodriguez-Pain and James Everett.

Now before we make a start on your emails, let's have a quick recap on what happened this week in Ambridge.

This week was brought to you by Faith, Chuck, Ellie, Joel,

and an apparently limitless character count.

I honestly did not think in my lifetime I would hear cross a listeners than those

after the Christmas Carol debacle.

And yet here we are.

But we must proceed. I love proceed. We began the week with a

lady pretending to be American and a man who really was turning up at Jacobs and eating all his food

and sleeping in his bed while he spent the night in a tent. What, perfectly normal and rational thing to do?

This was all about a BBC Action Week exercise on avoiding online scams. Personally, and I do realise

this is an entirely subjective opinion, I'd have been more happy if the public education exercise

had been about how to avoid someone making you eat a nut roast as I can't stand them. Then Ellie turned

up at Brookers with her two teenage daughters in a GCSE year, not in half term, so naughty Ellie.

I think grumpy Chuck should go off with furious Ellie and leave nice faith living with Jazza.

And those poor teenagers, if even septuagenarian Chuck was bored sitting in the bull watching fat pole bankriss packets, imagine what Beavis and Butthead would have made of it.

Ellie and her moody teens were exiled to the Brookfield Barn after David had a flick-round with the pledge, which she seemed remarkably sanguine about. Little does she know, but Ellie actually not being allowed to stay in the farmhouse meant she dodged a bullet, as I can't imagine the warmth and bonamy of Ruth would have cheered them up, any. She'd have kicked the doors at 5am as she went off for milking, turned the Wi-Fi off and told they could make their own breakfast, but she'd drawn round all the kitchen implements to make sure they went back in the right place. Faith was under the impression that sleeping in David's Barn on a deflating airbed with two furious teenagers was cozy, exciting and romantic.

...