Welcome ladies to part 2 of this empowering, freaking amazing episode with Faith Jenkins who is spilling the tea and taking us through the six lessons that she learned to master the single life so that she knew that when or if she found somebody that she would have the beautiful foundation to who she was and what she deserves. Being single is a choice not not a prison sentence, and when you live your life with intention and being everything you want to be, settling for someone with a pulse, just to shut everyone up, is not a good solution. Now whether you're single guys, searching for your soulmate, or content with living the single life and wanting to live it up much more, this episode is for you. So let's jump straight in to part two with Faith Jenkins right here on Women of Impact. And if this episode did bring you value, hit up your homey, share this episode guys. That's how together we're going to create global women of impact. Yeah buddy, let's go. Yeah, God. And then to your point that you would said earlier, reason 1362 of why opposites attract isn't a great combination, especially when it comes to something like that. Because if you're a spender and someone else is a saver, if you're the saver and the person that's a spender, you're definitely going to clash and collide. Yes. And so much of marriage is about compromise because you do have two different people coming in with different perspectives, backgrounds, experiences, knowledge, all of those things. So much is about compromise, but give yourself the best chance at succeeding by having these discussions early on before you get married and getting to know someone and what their value system is like, what's really important to them, what works for them in running their home, what works for you in running your home so that you can really make an informed decision about who you're going to combine your life with. Yeah, I love that. And then going to something else that you had said, where if you've been through a lot of toxic relationships, you didn't say this word, but what's the common denominator? I've actually heard you say, relationships don't have problems. The individual has a problem that they bring to the relationships. So talk to me about that. Well, because people don't have relationship problems. They really have problems that they brought into the relationships. If you work on yourself while you are single and you learn how to communicate effectively, Lisa, that's what you're going to bring into your relationship and effective communicator. If you work on yourself and you learn how to compromise and get along with others, that's what you're going to bring into your relationship. Somebody who knows how to compromise may or just not imagine magic wand that changes people into someone else. Whoever you are as a single person, what you're learning as a single person, that is what you are bringing into your marriage. So that's why I talk about what a big deal it is to continue to be on this journey of not only having a fulfilled life, but working on who you are so that you're bringing somebody who has all of these wonderful attributes to contribute to the relationship. Who do you want your person to meet? Let's say you meet your person tomorrow. Who do you want them to meet? Do you want them to meet somebody who knows how to handle conflict? Who knows how to compromise, who knows how to talk you in their angry, who knows how to

navigate difficulty. Do you want them to meet somebody who knows how to handle conflict, who knows how to compromise, who knows how to talk you when they're angry, who knows how to navigate difficulties in a relationship, or do you want them to meet somebody who's just been going through life and, oh, you'll figure it out when you get there. It's a much stronger position when you're working on all of these things and growing as an individual and you meet that person and then the two of you can continue to grow together. What really hit me is something you said made me think about how many people I've heard, heart breaking, heart breaking, but I've heard them say that they have a child or they want a child in order to fix their relationship. I think that people make the mistake of thinking a child, sometimes that a child will be something that is a bonding experience and that they will somehow bring their relationship together. As someone who has a nine month old, I can tell you, I, I relationship has been challenged even more so during this time period, because we've had to learn how to show up for each other in different ways now that we have a baby in our home. So if anything, I think whatever issues that are there, you are risking exacerbating them even more because you have now not just you and your other person that you're working with and navigating, but now you have a child that solely looking to you, your family, whoever your village is for that love and support. And bringing a child into a broken relationship is not going to fix anything. The only thing that can fix a broken relationship is actually doing the work to find out how we got here. Having a child and bringing a child into this world is one of the biggest choices you can make in life in your relationship. And I know you've talked about it many times how you chose not to have children, which is a very valid choice. Having one child is also a valid choice. Having two is a valid choice. All of these are very valid choices and you should never let outside of, you know, trying to somehow you think it's going to fix something in your relationship, which it does it. But also this notion of that children somehow add to this picture perfect experience you're supposed to have in life. And if you don't, somehow you're missing out. Again, it's just not true. Everyone, because we talked about the questions of people asking me about being single and when I was going to get married, well, guess what? When I got married, the questions didn't stop. Guess what they started asking me. When are you going to have a baby? When are you going to have a baby? I have a daughter now, not because of external pressure, but it's because my husband and I wanted to have a child. I already get questions when you got to have another. Well, you can't have an only child.

You can't. because of external pressure, but it's because my husband and I wanted to have a child. I already get questions when are you gonna have another?

Well, you can't have an only child.

You can't, this child needs a sibling.

Let me tell you, you're not in my house,

waking up at three o'clock in the morning. to feed, do a feeding, and rock, and nurse and all those things.

If you are not putting money in my cash app because babies are expensive to help support raising them, you have no say so. You really have no say so regardless, but I think it's so important that we respect everyone's wishes in terms of what they want to do with their own journey in their personal life. What's so beautiful about life is it's not a race. It can't be a race because we're not all running in the same direction. And so just being able to embrace your journey and stand in that truth of even if you have an ideal like marriage that does not mean you have to add children if that's not what you wanna do. Yeah, I got that so much. And it's like, but you guys love chathar. Yeah. Okay. But does that mean that then by definition, we should have kids or, you know, the other thing that I got a lot was people are assuming I couldn't have kids because they're like, well, you're in a happily, you're in a happy marriage. You guys love each other. It seems very stable. Oh, you must not be able to. And so again, I understand that people bring their preconceived notions to it. But the reason why I asked the question about having children for the sake of marriage is growing up, I did hear a woman saying that, like, oh, I thought, you know, if we had to child together, that that would fix our marriage. And I think that back then at least, I think what it was doing was just making it harder for the person to leave. And so that doesn't mean that it's a stable, happy marriage. And then going back to something else that we had said was how many people have you seen in your divorce court where they knew years ago that they were going to leave. But it needed that one last thing to kind of like tip them over the edge. And I actually have a stat about that actually, it's going to pull out where it says, most people cite the final straw as being the reason why they left and they usually cite it towards either cheating, domestic abuse or substance abuse as being that kind of final straw. And it's actually again heartbreaking heartbreaking that that's what forces people to leave a relationship versus I'm profoundly unhappy. Yeah. It's usually a buildup and I always say there's only one thing worse being in a bad relationship and that's overextending your stay in one. You have to know when it's time to go. Life is so short and I'm not saying Lisa, if you're married, you don't do the work that I think it takes to be married because well you will find if you talk to someone who's been married over 20 years, what you will find consistent in that conversation is that it means if they're happily married and they are in a healthy relationship over 20 years, that means that they have mastered forgiveness. That means that they know how to compromise. That means they know how to let go of resentment. That means that it is they've done the work. They've done the work to be able to get there. And if you are in a relationship with someone who is putting you down, and I've seen this in divorce court years of people hanging on, and being staying in a situation that they know is not healthy for them, that they know is not working for them.

You do not stay for your children because all you are doing is demonstrating them how to be in a dysfunctional relationship. So when you know that that whatever work that needs to be done in order for this relationship to work, it's not happening. This is in this person is toxic and they are not good for you. you always hear people later down the road say,

I know I should have left five years ago or I know I should have left. And then you stay and it just picks away at your spirit and at your zest for life. And all of these things, and you have to be able to make a decision at some point when it's right for you when the time is for you to walk away. God, what is the thing that you've noticed in doing that show that is the common denominator of why people don't walk away and they seek such an extreme heart-breaking result? A lot of people confuse control with love. When you start seeing signs where someone is jealous of you spending time with your friends, when they're jealous of you spending time with your family, that's not a sign of love. That is a huge red flag of some controlling behavior that eventually does manifest itself consistently in most of our cases. So you have to know what love really is and what love looks like for you, a healthy kind of love. Because if you don't, then the unhealthy types of love that show up in your life, you can be confused about those unhealthy types of love

and say, well, this just means that this person really cares. And it doesn't. It's a level of control and often it starts there. As in, they've caught me 10 times in the last hour. They must love me. They must know where you are every hour of the day. Well, you talk about, I may work. You know I go to work from nine to five every day.

And so the checking in, the showing up, the popping up, the surprising you, all of those things, which can be real signs of controlling behavior. Well, I just got this weird, freaking flashback of being in college. And I was dating this guy. I would been together for three years, about two years at the time, and I was away at college and he would show up and he would just surprise me. And it was, he was trying to catch me. He thought I was cheating on him, which I never did. And because I shared a dorm room with these other girls, the girls have guys that come into the dorm room. So he somehow hears this guy in the background

and he showed up.

And just as you were saying that, I was like, oh, I totally said I'm like, right, how much he loves me. And he just drove an hour and a half to come and surprise me. Actually, he was trying to find me cheating on him, but he just came with this way to surprise me. He must love me that much. And that's what I talked about earlier when we talked about the unhealthy levels of mistrust.

He obviously had serious trust issues and they were manifesting themselves in your relationship. But because I think I so, I didn't have another boyfriend before that, I didn't have any injured or other sickness. No, yeah interest. Yeah. So that when someone showed me intense interest, I just took that as a good stroke into my self-esteem. Like, I had very low self-esteem, so that just felt good in the moment. Yes. Well, it's what I talked about earlier about when you, how do you learn what is supposed to be happening in a success for a relationship when you are really drawing for immigrants, when you don't know. And that's how early on when I started working in Family Court and making those observations and throughout my year, and then I started educating myself. I started reading things like my book. There are some other great resources out there. I started educating myself because I said, I don't have an example of what this is supposed to look like. So how am I supposed to know? What am I drawing from? What experiences? And then I started working in Family Court at 24 years old. So I saw people at their worst. I saw relationships at their worst. And so I thought, what do I do to make, to not only help guide these women, learn more so I can be a better guide, because when you're in attorney, you're a therapist too. You're someone that people lean on, they talk to you, they share all their problems, and you're navigating one of the most difficult times in their life when you're working through, when they're working through their divorces. So I had to start learning and building on a foundation of knowledge and then just learning for myself as well. And so jealousy was one of the top reasons that you saw specifically in your relationship killer show. And did you notice that and divorces as well? Jellicy insecurity, the deep rooted insecurity which then turned into more controlling behavior and then this was something a little more subtle but I thought it was big making fun of your sniffing in other or mocking them, making jokes about something, about them that you knew perhaps they were insecure about. When someone shows just sign of they have a mean side to them because your partner should be building you up, lifting you up, adding to how you feel about yourself, not tearing you down. So saying something in the form of a joke and say, oh, I'm just joking, you're being too sensitive. It's a way, it's another controlling factor

because they're picking away at your self-esteem

or your self-confidence.

So one of the top, I think, manipulation tactics as well

is like, oh, you can't take a joke,

look how sensitive you are.

And so now, especially when you're in front of other people,

that's such a cool method, I think.

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