I did not need any of that. The moral story is that Australia have just won the ashes, but I'm thinking the entire time how much all of this sucks. Who wants a close series? If you care about something, why would you want it to be close?

Haven't we had enough heart traumas in our lives to watch this shit and be like, oh, this is something that I enjoy.

This is something I relaxed to. I'm wondering, as I'm watching England, pile on singles to Deep Point, being one of the past plays being like, why have they got a deep point? Why have they got a deep point? Why have CA lost $5 million in Perth and then dialed in a flatty for Adelaide, okay? Is that what we're talking about? Are we talking about profits?

Then, Marnas, Labushane, takes one of the greatest catches I've ever seen on a Sunday for third test, Adelaide Oval, Bar Miami Singh. And I'm thinking the entire time, Pezza, I'm scared, okay? This is why I'm invested, I have fear. And it's because these coats are some of the greatest winners of all time.

They block a ball and the trumpet's going. This is why I'm invested. I have fear. And it's because these coats are some of the greatest

winners of all time. They block a ball and the trumpet's going. They're cheering. I can't handle it. I can't handle these guys winning fucking anything. Okay. And then I start thinking, well, you know what? Actually, all of us are English in some capacity. I all all of us but you know then i'm thinking like

did my brother get it wrong when he went to ancestry dot com and says like well there's actually a lot

of great heritage you know back back in england and i'm thinking what about scotland have we got

these scottish is that what we're talking about here okay and then i think you know what

actually these are stark's ashes okay 51 polls at 17 in the in the test year, averaging 17 this series as well, 20 whatever the fuck he's got. A catch to deep point, and I'm thinking, you know what, I'm good to go here. I'm fine now, I'm safe. They've won the ashes without line, without Smith, without Hazelwood, without Cummins, without Kawajara at points. Slug hasn't even got his cock out yet, okay?

Fuck these coats.

Three-nil, fuck off.

I'll say this to you and to anybody interested.

And I've been looking forward to saying this.

What you've got to understand about test cricket is that it's hard and it's nothing,

if not a summit on hardness.

You can't selectively apply hardness every so often.

And like so many opposition sides, England have shown today and at select

other times that they can dig in for a bit. They can get into a contest. But like so many other

opposition sides, once that contest really begins, they wilt and fail.

Now, as Dorito-laden punters, do we sit there thinking, this is fucked?

Are we about to suffer the ignominy of a world record chase on our home climbs after

...