Arraigning Cats and Dogs

Judge John Hodgman

Jesse Thorn

World, Show, Complete, Hodgeman, Comedy, Pc, Daily, Hodgman, Mac, More, Expertise, Knowledge, Information

4.8 • 7.7K Ratings

🗓️ 19 March 2014

⏱️ 89 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

🧾️ Download transcript

Summary

A couple clash over getting a pet. She wants a dog, he wants a cat. Who RULES and who DROOLS?

Transcript

Click on a timestamp to play from that location

0:00.0	Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm Bail of Jesse Thorn. This week,
0:06.4	a reigning cats and dogs. Eileen brings the case against her boyfriend Tyler. They recently move
0:12.0	from Brooklyn to Los Angeles and Eileen thinks it's the right time to get a dog. Specifically,
0:17.1	a corgi. Tyler is a cat person and says a cat would be the better pet. Who's right? Who's wrong?
0:23.6	Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom.
0:29.4	Oh, Bail of Jesse, you should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It's their finest hour.
0:37.2	About five o'clock, they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a
0:44.2	string of sausages. And that's when I'm ready to hear justice. Swear them in, please.
0:50.1	Please rise and raise your right hand. Do you swear to tell the truth? The whole truth and
0:55.1	nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever? I do. I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge
1:01.4	John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that his own private menagerie contains only
1:06.1	Cappy Barra's, the world's largest rodent? I do. Yes. Very well, Judge Hodgman. Oh,
1:12.2	word only true. If I had myself a little clutch of Cappy Barra's, I would walk through
1:19.4	Prospect Park with them trailing me. Would be adorable. Have you ever seen an internet video of Cappy
1:26.4	Barra's swimming in a swimming pool? It's great. It's so great. I've not seen it, but now I have a
1:34.2	new ambition, which is to be the king of Cappy Barra's swimming videos. And the queen of Park's
1:40.9	slope being trailed by my Cappy Barra herd. Oh, Eileen Tyler, you may be seated for an immediate
1:49.4	summary judgment in your favor. Can either of you name the piece of culture that I paraphrased as
1:56.0	I entered the courtroom? I'll give you a hint. The last sentence, and that's when I'm ready to hear
2:02.7	justice, is not part of the original quote, and B makes no sense. I should have said I'm now ready
2:10.6	to meet out justice. I'm not going to make Mark McComville edit that in. You're just going to have
2:16.4	to use your mind editors for that one. But the rest of the quote, you should see my corgis at sunset
	...

Please login to see the full transcript.

Previous episode | Next episode

Disclaimer: The podcast and artwork embedded on this page are from Jesse Thorn, and are the property of its owner and not affiliated with or endorsed by Tapesearch.

Generated transcripts are the property of Jesse Thorn and are distributed freely under the Fair Use doctrine. Transcripts generated by Tapesearch are not guaranteed to be accurate.