This is one of the most personal and intimate episodes we have ever done. Mine shares things about herself that I've never heard before. What we're talking about today is not a diagnosis, it's a set of symptoms. The impact so many people are shaping their experience and their perception of reality. Have I been called overly sensitive? Do I feel anxious in social situations? Do you assume the worst in commonplace interactions? Do I consider myself a people pleaser? Do I pass up opportunities because I'm afraid I'll fail? We're talking about rejection-sensitive dysphoria. A profound and deep emotional pain often accompanied by physical pain when there is a perceived fear of rejection, disappointment, or failure. RSD commonly does impact people with ADD, ADHD, highly

sensitive. fear of rejection, disappointment, or failure. RSD commonly does impact people with ADD, ADHD,

highly sensitive people, empaths,

and some on the neurodivergent spectrum.

There may be more going on than you realize.

We're gonna talk specifically about what it looks like,

what's going on in the brain when this happens,

and how can we look to make this better? Hi, I'm Iambialic. And I'm Jonathan Cohen. And welcome to our breakdown. I would argue to say this is one of the most personal and intimate episodes we have ever done. It is just me and Jonathan here, folks. My name shares things about herself that I've never heard before aspects of her personality. She has a-ha moments that we've never experienced. What we're talking about today is not a diagnosis. It's a set of symptoms that I think are interesting, but I never realized how many parts of my own life, including my life here on the podcast, have been impacted pretty significantly by this collection of symptoms. This episode is far more than just MIMES personal exploration. These are things that impact so many people amongst us and they are having reactions that are shaping their experience and their perception of reality in a way, they're eschewed for a lack of a better word and people who are around them watching them have these big emotional experiences or limit their themselves in a way that can keep them really stuck are wondering what is going on? What are we talking about? We're talking about rejection-sensitive dysphoria. It is a profound and deep emotional pain that is often accompanied by physical symptoms and physical pain when there is a perceived threat or a perceived fear of rejection, disappointment, or failure. We're going to talk specifically about what it looks like, what's going on in the brain when this happens, what are some case studies, and how can we look to make this better? It often occurs in those with ADHD, also in neurodivergence. You don't have to be ADHD or neurodivergent though to experience rejection sensitive dysphoria. We're going to explain all about it. And there's some really fascinating insights which we think will be very important for you, for someone you love. This is a very interesting episode. Like many of the episodes, we actually also give a quiz that help you identify where you may be on this spectrum. But if you're someone like me who heard the term rejection sensitivity disorder and only thought about rejection as these blatant acts that could be clearly defined You may be missing something really important because there are so many of life's interactions that can fall into this category that you are likely not really Understanding in this episode particularly helped me understand a set of situations in in my life and in my am's life that I never would have known fall into this area. This is seriously one of the most personal episodes and one of the most revelatory might I add. I wasn't expecting to do this when we started this episode. It really, really evolves over the course of this conversation. So please join us over on Substack, because we have a very special surprise bonus that Jonathan arranged that goes along with this episode. So make sure you follow us over there. Let's get into it. Break it down. There are some of us who experience rejection, failure, messing up as something that feels like it's out of proportion to what's actually happening. That's the kind of experience that we're focusing on when we talk about RSD. Just going to go ahead and use that. The notion is when you mess something up, there are people who experience that as physical pain. There are people who experience that to a level that it triggers intense shame, anxiety, rage, and maybe even aggression or self-harm. And what's important if you're listening and you may not have this yourself is to understand what someone else may be going through. You may be with someone who has this outsized reaction. And you may say to them, it's not such a big deal. Why can't you put this in perspective? Understanding that some people may have this type of reaction to things that you look at and say, that's not such a big deal, can really help you better right size their experience. Let's get started with a definition. So people know what we're talking about. Rejection sensitive dysphoria, it's an intense, intense emotional response caused by the perception that you might have disappointed someone, failed been rejected because of that you perceive that they will withdraw their love, you will lose their approval, you will lose their respect. So this same kind of painful reaction can also happen if you have a goal you're trying to hit and you can't meet it. So RSD commonly does occur in people with ADHD and it can cause extreme emotional pain. So we're not just talking about, I lost that job and I'm bummed out or I'm an emotional person or I'm a highly sensitive person. That's not the level we're talking about. We're talking about people for whom they almost can create an alternate reality based on a potential disappointment, a potential rejection, or an actual one. Something that stood out in what you were saying is the idea that if they have a goal that they're trying to work towards and it doesn't necessarily need to be a macro life goal. Right. That the disruption of that or the lack of success in the way that they have imagined it, they may have a hard time reframing their current experience. Correct. I'll give an example. Please do. It could be that you want to get somewhere specifically on time and that could influence you to have a set of emotions. It may be outsized. And I'm using this word outsized a few times because as you've described, when we have a different timeline come in, it's like there are emotions from our past that are being channeled into that moment. The thing about Jonathan that's interesting is that he has a way of taking things that happened in our life and pretending like he's not making them the topic of a podcast, but you know what? I'm gonna go there. Jonathan thinks that I have rejection sensitivity dysphoria, which is not why we're doing this episode, but I will give an example. We were supposed to go to, we were, we're going to an important meeting and we ended up being late because of something that he insisted on but I'm gonna set that aside because the lateness the lateness did feel Like it caused an expectation in me of the disappointment of other people Which absolutely felt disproportionate and did lead to some rage and what was fascinating about that and And because we can talk about why we were late, I think there were many factors in why we were late, I definitely contributed to one of the factors, but not all, for example, we got a little lost. The directions weren't totally clear, they had a very complicated... There was a tree trimmer and a train crossing. At one point, we're going the wrong way and we have a couple more minutes and the gates for a train crossing come down. It was like an absolute comedic parse. It was like the curtain on my soul. Just came. And I saw Wyme's face in that moment lose all color and a white rage From the underworld come over her and basically every suppressed emotion you had Started filtering out but here's the thing is in that moment You lost the ability to reframe right like that is a skill that we talk about when we know that something is hysterical, it's historical. Yes. You couldn't have access to the adult parts of you that could parent you to say, it's okay to be a little late. People are gonna be understanding. I have a track record of being a responsible person. None of that was available to you. And I think that's the most interesting part. I'm appreciative that you allow us to talk about this and that you're open and vulnerable to sharing that. And also how fascinating is it that you can have all the information in the world, you can have these tools, you can know what the process is. And in that moment, you can lose those, you can lose it, you can lose access to it. So what I would hope people take from this is not a condemnation of themselves, is not adding to the diagnoses of some sort of defect. It is intended to be more information about a pattern that you may have. Or that someone you love may have.

So that you can take this information and say, what are the skills that I may need to employ if I find myself in that situation? And how can I have a greater understanding of the people around me about what they may be going through? I feel like this is a good time to take the quiz so that we can sort of start to understand and give examples of some of the questions that might be asked to see if you, like me, have rejection-sensitive dysphoria.

Alright, Jonathan, you're going to answer this quiz for me. This is fun. Do I experience sudden intense bouts of raids when my feelings are hurt? Yes. Would you say very often? Very often is a hard thing to say, but often. I would say often. And I'll give a little caveat here is that you try and fight it because there is a strong part of yourself that knows, like you're almost watching yourself, have the experience telling yourself that the experience doesn't need to be so intense and yet you have it anyway. So it's a fun battle. Thank you. I have rejection sensitive dysphoria within sight. Do I experience sudden intense bouts of extreme sadness

when I think I've been rejected or criticized?

Oh yeah. Am I my own harshest critic? Absolutely. Very often. Yeah. Do I feel anxious in social situations because I assume that no one likes me? Is there a 100% option? Do I consider myself a people pleaser going above and beyond to get on someone's good side? You sure do. Do I pass up opportunities or avoid starting projects because I'm afraid I'll fail?

Yup.

Have I been called overly sensitive?

Or a head case? to get on someone's good side. You sure do. Do I pass up opportunities or avoid starting projects because I'm afraid I'll fail?

Yep.

Have I been called overly sensitive? Or a head case? I feel kind of harsh. I feel sorry. Because of my strong emotional reactions, absolutely. Do I dedicate more time than is necessary to a project or become perfectionistic to make sure my work has no mistakes and is above reproach? On one hand, you work very quickly and you don't want to work a little bit nutty professor.

But if there's a spelling mistake in anything,

you're gonna lose your mind.

Do I ever experience my emotions as physical sensation? So Jonathan, do you experience them as anything but that? Well, this is actually interesting because this is a particular feature of rejection-sensitive dysphoria. Is many people feel like they've been punched in the chest or physically wounded. What about stabbed in the side so that your back hurts? So I will say often when I have a strong emotion, it will feel the way I describe it. It feels like my chest is caving in. I would assume that's what it feels like to be punched in the chest. So let's say yes to that. I'm gonna give that an off end.

Do you feel shame about the lack of control you have over your emotions? It's better than it used to be. Yeah. Oh, okay. I've not been formally clinically diagnosed with ADHD, but some people say that I have it. Have I been told I have a mood disorder? Do you shy away from close relationships or romantic relationships because you worry that if people knew the real you, they wouldn't like you.

I mean, it's a thing, it's a feature,

...