This is an ABC podcast.

Just a heads up, this show discusses self-harm and suicide.

Take care while listening.

Being so young, I couldn't communicate what I was going through.

I didn't know what I was going through.

I wasn't sure.

Also, because I was so young,

I just, I thought I was so, like, abnormal.

Until the age of eight, Vanessa had been a generally happy kid. Now things were different.

How I pictured it was like this big storm behind me, like chasing me. That's how I used to picture it when I was little, like a storm chasing me.

And I just, the first signs for me were I couldn't sleep.

And I used to be so tired and I'd just get nervous and not be able to sleep.

The word she didn't know yet that would describe these new feelings was anxiety.

She was feeling anxious.

And for a long time, she kept these feelings to herself.

And by the time that I finally did have that conversation with my parents, I remember being

so shameful. I felt embarrassed, like I was a burden. I remember I didn't want my mom to look at me

when I told her. But it wasn't until my mom was able to, I guess, reassure me. Tell me everything would be okay and give me a hug.

At the age of 14, Vanessa was formally diagnosed with anxiety and depression.

But that didn't make her feel any better, at least not yet.

I didn't take it very well.

I got angry and my anxiety tends to, and depression tends to come out through anger. So I got very

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