If you've discovered that you are the difficult person in a relationship you are emotionally abusive you are hurtful to someone you love you might want to check out healed being over at healed being calm that is a program that I run for emotionally abusive people that want to change you may not like that label I don't I don't like the label emotionally abusive but that's who I was that's where I was at the time when I was younger and more immature

and I had to learn how to stop doing that behavior and I share that over in healed being along with everything I've learned over the years as a behavior in relationship coach and I am here to help you and today's episode is going to have a segment on judgment which is lesson four in healed being probably one of the most destructive behaviors that I did and many other people will do in their relationships to destroy a relationship so if you need a program to help

you start treating the people you love with kindness and respect head over to healed being calm life presents the toughest challenges every day you are faced with decisions that test your ability to express who you really want to be in this world we're told to keep saying affirmations and keep thinking positively but what do you do when that stuff doesn't work welcome to the overwhelmed brain where you'll learn to make decisions that are right for you so that you can create the life you want now

Hey, this is Paul Coliani and I want to help you learn the skillset you need to deal with life's challenges in the most emotionally intelligent way wish me luck

this show consists of my personal opinions and is meant for informational purposes only always seek a professional for your mental health and well being

all right, I'm going to read you this email that I received it was really written to my other podcast 11 abuse over 11 abuse calm but I put it on this show because I think it applies to a lot of people not just difficult relationships not just emotionally abusive relationships

but it applies to anyone that's ever been in a relationship I realize that may not be everyone listening some people are young some people haven't been in relationships but I think it's a good subject to talk about because kind of going along the trend of the last episode of the previous episode before that where you reach out to an ex and apologize so this has the concept of apologies to people that you've wronged in the past

and this person wrote have you ever reached out to an ex years later and apologized for your behavior and they go on to say I listened to all your level abuse podcast episodes and I don't recall you touching on this before thank you for your show and I look forward to the new episode so I'm grateful that you wrote this they signed it remorseful so you know they feel bad about how they treated their partner or partners in the past

and if you feel bad about something that you did to someone or wrong that you did to someone I think it's great to apologize however I mean we all know that it's good to apologize of course if you've done something wrong it shows character it shows that you're willing to be vulnerable it shows that you are willing to hand your heart to someone

with no armor on it and say do with it as you will and hope they don't crush it and if they do crush it I'm thinking that okay you know that's how they felt and I give them that I give you the gift of my heart and if you crush it that's okay too

that's a real apology as far as I'm concerned I've talked about that in an episode or two ago so I'm not going to get into that too deeply but just go ahead and look for apologies or look in the apology category or forgiveness category at the overwhelmed brain.com and you'll find the episode I did but this person is asking do you reach out or have you ever reached out to an ex years later and apologized for your behavior

I have an answer yes and no when I got divorced I apologized during the tough conversations at the end of the marriage because after my wife left I realized my behavior was awful.

I realized I made her feel guilty a lot I withheld love a lot I did a lot of emotionally abusive behaviors during our entire relationship

and I didn't realize the extent of the damage I did not only to the relationship but to her I mean I watched her how can I say it degrade I watched her become depressed lose her passion for life but I saw that as her dealing with her stuff I didn't see that as her dealing with me

I couldn't see it I was blind to it I should have seen it I'm not making an excuse I should have seen it I should have known that I was causing this degradation in her I mean when we're in a relationship we are attached to the other person because we're attached to them you know through love through connection through being together through living together sometimes or a lot through marriage there's a lot of attachments

but a lot of our feelings are intertwined or at least are dependent on one another like if your romantic partner is sad one day and you are attached to this person you might feel some sadness you might feel empathetically sad because your partner is sad

or if they're angry at you for example you might feel either defensive or you might feel angry back it's a feedback cycle we are responding to their emotions in their emotional state

and so it took me a while to realize that being in a relationship with someone directly affects their emotional state and they could be well balanced before the relationship and become unbalanced during the relationship depending on how the other person behaves and treats them.

It's all obvious to me now it really is but back then when I was in other relationships and I had other partners I was still acting emotionally immature I was ignorant and so again that's not an excuse but that's what happened and I share that because there are ways I treated my ex partners that I am not proud of and in fact ashamed of or at least I felt shame at one time

and now I still feel bad about it but I had to heal from that too because I believe we shouldn't carry shame and guilt around with us forever we have to go through that so that we can heal so that we can commit to ourselves to never show up in that way again.

So I talk about that in other episodes where shame and guilt should be temporary feelings and when you feel them you should make changes or at least commit to never doing something again.

And if you do that then you should be free to move on from the shame doesn't mean you're absolved from what you did you still have to take responsibility and it doesn't mean you'll ever feel good about what you did I definitely don't.

...