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Welcome to Ambridge on the couch, an in-depth look at the archers with me, Jeff Thomas, Lucy Freeman, Harriet Carmichael, James Everett and Matt Rodriguez-Pain.

Now, before we make a start on your emails, let's have a recap of what happened this week in Ambridge.

We began the week with Akram asking Jolene if she had any New Year's resolutions, and although I was listening keenly for her to say, not bashing young men over the head with wine bottles anymore, she said it was fixing the shower. Rather than contemplating the fact that someone hates him enough to try and kill him, Georgie spent his time in hospital being a pain in the ass, stropping about and saying he was bored out of what he laughingly refers to as his mind.

Amber is all over him like a bed bath, but I suspect that that's because she thinks it may have been Brad, who was the bottle basher, and doesn't want to provoke George.

Over at Bryans, Tony said Jennifer always had a wreath with real foliage on the front door. That is quite a low bar, to be honest, Tony. But at Bridge Farm, they just have a few lights and a 20-foot shrine to John. Brian is looking after his dicky ticker by getting irrationally cross about everything, which I'm sure will help tremendously. And he said it was because of Jennifer's birthday. But I think it's probably more to do with the prospect of moving house, which is enough to send anyone into a raging fury for months. Not that Brian's ever packed a box in his life, I suspect. He's far more of a, you carry on unpacking, darling. I'm just going to find the stopcock, which gives him half an hour outside with a bottle of Lafragan and a dirty magazine.

Inevitably, the camera at the bull has been wiped, losing the coverage of whoever it was who walked away from the pub, swinging a bottle and singing, I'm going to smack me a bozo. So, Jo-lane, Jo-lane, Jo-Line, Jo-Line said whoever did it would need to know her password, but even I can guess that it's Dolly Parton 1, 2, 3, so it was probably me.

Joy was sulking as Fallon wouldn't let her go bananas for Burns night.

Joy does appear to be remarkably cheerful at the moment, while everyone else is staggering around groaning, but she did put the mockers on the Mick theory by saying that he'd come

home with her at midnight. She said, we should forget all about George and look forward instead,

which is quite tough love considering the poor bugger wasn't even out of hospital at the time,

but it's probably that sort of compassion which has made Rochelle such a stable, centred and

lovable bunny. Anyway, having had permission from Eddie and Jazza, who is absolutely nothing to do with it, apart from being the only Scottish person in the village and is therefore somewhat biased about whether or not they should celebrate it, the bull has decided to go big for Burns' Night. Jolene announced that this was going to be the best Highland Games that Danbridge has ever seen, which again is not surprising, as it is the only Highland Games that Ambridge has ever seen.

Akram eulogised about farming life while helping out at Bridge Farm until as far as I could tell,

he flew off attached to a polytunnel while wrestling his flaps.

And worryingly, George and Emma both sort of suddenly announced that that was that, as the police rang Georgie and said, by the way, we've got the phones of the baddies.

And on the phones of the baddies, they were saying nasty things about you.

So they're probably the ones that hit you.

So we'll just catch them and put them all in the prison.

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