#567: Understanding the Wonderful, Frustrating Dynamic of Friendship

The Art of Manliness

Society & Culture, Education, Philosophy

4.7 • 14.5K Ratings

🗓️ 9 December 2019

⏱️ 76 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

Friendship is arguably the most unique type of relationship in our lives. Friendships aren't driven by sexual attraction or by a sense of duty, as in romantic and familial relationships, but instead are entirely freely chosen. My guest today says that's part of why friendship is both uniquely wonderful and uniquely challenging. His name is Bill Rawlins, he's a professor of interpersonal communication, and he's spent his career studying the dynamics of friendship and authored several books on the subject, including Friendship Matters. Bill and I begin our conversation discussing why friendship is often taken for granted, and what makes friendships unique from other types of relationships. We then explore the four particular tensions that arise in friendship: the tension between independence and dependence, affection and instrumentality, judgement and acceptance, and expressiveness and protectiveness. We also talk about how these tensions manifest in male friendships versus female friendships, and whether it's true as is commonly said that modern men don't have good friendships. We then shift into talking about how friendships change across the life cycle, starting with how kids think about friendship differently than adults. We unpack why it is we often think of the friends we made in adolescence as the best friends we ever had, and why many men stop having good friends in adulthood. We end our conversation with Bill's advice for making friends as a grown-up. Lots of insights in this show on a relationship that isn't typically examined or well understood. Get the show notes at aom.is/friendship.

Transcript

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0:00.0	Let's get started.
0:07.6	Brett McKay here and welcome to another edition of the Art of Manliness Podcast.
0:11.8	Friendship is arguably the most unique type of relationship in our lives.
0:14.8	They aren't driven by sexual attraction, like in a romantic relationship or duty as
0:19.3	in a familiar relationship but instead are entirely freely chosen.
0:23.0	My guest today said that's why friendship is both uniquely wonderful and uniquely challenging.
0:27.3	His name is Bill Rollins, his professor of interpersonal communication and he spent
0:30.5	his career studying the dynamics of friendship and authored several books on the subject,
0:34.2	including Friendship Matters.
0:35.6	Bill and I begin our conversation discussing why friendship is often taken for granted
0:39.3	and what makes friendship unique from other types of relationships.
0:42.5	We then explore the four particular tensions that arise in friendships, the tension between
0:46.3	independence and dependence, affection and instrumentality, judgment and acceptance and
0:51.0	expressiveness and protectiveness.
0:53.0	We also talk about how these tensions manifest in male friendships versus female friendships
0:56.7	and whether it's true, as it's commonly said, that modern men don't have good friends.
1:00.8	We then shift and talk about how friendships change across the life cycle, starting with
1:04.1	how kids think about friendships differently than adults.
1:06.7	We unpack why it is we often think the friends we made in adolescence are the best friends
1:10.2	we ever had and why many men stop having good friends and adulthood.
1:13.5	In the inner conversation with dual advice for making friends as a grownup.
1:17.1	Lots of insights in this show on a relationship that isn't particularly examined or well understood.
	...

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