442 SelfWork: How to Get Over the Feeling That You're Not Important
The SelfWork Podcast
Margaret Robinson Rutherford PhD
4.7 • 1.2K Ratings
🗓️ 18 April 2025
⏱️ 24 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
Summary
Today we’re going to focus on the feeling that you're not important - a feeling likely created by how you were parented.
How does this happen? Your parents' careers came first. The parents themselves came first for one another, only caring for the child as a secondhand and almost bothersome activity. Your being wasn’t celebrated – instead what you could achieve got some notice, as long as you continued to be successful. Your parent was overly self-involved because of their own trauma or mental illness – and never was it explained to you what was truly going on – so you believed you weren’t enough.
At its worst, the dynamic of not feeling that you're important is rejection. At the best, it can feel like conditional love. And in between, the now adult child could feel a deep sense of emptiness and insecurity that they may seek to fill up in a myriad of ways.
Our listener voicemail is a shocking reminder of what can happen when a parent doesn’t guide a child (no matter how old) to separate from them – to encourage them to live their own lives. But rather, instills in them at a young age that their job is to stay close to the parent. And an emotional codependence is encouraged.
Vital Links:
Bob Waldinger's interview on the Harvard study of happiness
Seven steps out of enmeshment: SelfWork episode
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My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to camouflage underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by anyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.
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Transcript
Click on a timestamp to play from that location
| 0:00.0 | You're listening to Self Work and I'm Dr. Margaret. |
| 0:04.0 | Today we'll talk about how to get over the feeling that you're not important. |
| 0:07.4 | But first, here's a message from our sponsors. |
| 0:19.4 | This is Self Work and I'm Dr. Margaret Rutherford. |
| 0:22.9 | At Self-Work, we discuss psychological and emotional issues and what you can do about them, |
| 0:28.2 | whether that's learning self-acceptance, taking action, or seeking therapy or treatment. |
| 0:33.9 | Eight years ago, I extended the walls of my practice to reach those of you who might already be knowledgeable about middle health treatment, but also to those of you who might say you'd never darken the door of a therapist. |
| 0:45.6 | And yet, you are here. I'll answer your questions while I invite you to take a few minutes for your own self-work. |
| 0:55.4 | I'm a big fan of journaling, and I. I'm a big fan of journaling, and I know a lot of people don't like it. |
| 0:59.6 | I realize that, but I still argue there's something very powerful about putting your thoughts |
| 1:06.6 | and feelings down in black and white. |
| 1:09.0 | It's you on that page. |
| 1:13.3 | And frankly, that's what's kind of scary about it. Welcome to this week's edition of self-work. Today we're going to focus on the |
| 1:20.4 | damage that happens if a parent gave you the message that you simply weren't important to them. |
| 1:25.3 | You can get this message in a lot of ways. |
| 1:28.9 | Maybe their career came first. |
| 1:31.7 | The parents themselves came first for one another, |
| 1:33.9 | only caring for the child as a secondhand and almost bothersome activity. |
| 1:36.2 | Your being wasn't celebrated. |
| 1:38.0 | Instead, what you could achieve got notice |
| 1:40.3 | as long as you continue to be successful. |
| 1:43.2 | Your parent was overly self-involved because of their |
... |
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