I feel like an imposter with you and with intuitive eating. I feel that I'm not truly anti-diet, truly in recovery for binge eating and anorexia, or that I am really past all the dieting. My relationship with you has been unstable since I was five. I remember being highly aware of my body at such a young age and knowing I was larger than everyone. So I started to diet. And the dieting cycle didn't stop until two years ago when I found intuitive eating. I've worked so hard to unlearn my internalized fatphobia and diet culture that was ingrained in me from such a young age. But everyday I feel like I'm faking it. I tell myself that I don't want to be skinny, but I do. I tell myself I dont want to diet anymore, but I do. I tell myself that calories and carbs count isn't important, but I find myself still glancing at the nutrition facts on food labels. What if I'm not meant for intuitive eating? What if dieting is the only way I can manage my PCOS and my weight? And even as I say this to you, food, I know it's not the truth. I know that dieting is a short term solution and that it will do more harm than good. But sometimes working against the system is so difficult. I constantly have coworkers, friends, and family that are so deep into diet culture that it's easy to get sucked back into it. 
And then of course there's the PCOS. There is so much misinformation about how to manage my symptoms with PCOS and much of the time it's diet related. I want to be fully free with you, food. I want to truly feel free from diet culture and know that I am a good person, regardless of the food I consume. But it's so tough. I know that nutritious foods feel so good in my body and that less nutritious foods exacerbate my PCOS symptoms. And in my mind that means I can only eat "healthy" and that I can't have ice cream if I want it. That the moment I eat something, it will make or break my PCOS management skills. That I will do too much damage that can't be undone. So what do I do, food? How do I feel free with you? Because I am an imposter, a sham, and I'm afraid that someone will realize that I'm not as anti-diet as I make myself out to be. 
Thanks for listening,

The Perfectionist