#219 Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing

The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish

Farnam Street

Business, Investing, Entrepreneurship

4.7 • 2.9K Ratings

🗓️ 18 March 2025

⏱️ 128 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

Most people date the wrong way. They chase the spark, mistake attraction for compatibility, and expect their partners to read their minds. Then they wonder why relationships don’t last. Logan Ury thinks about dating differently. As the Director of Relationship Science at Hinge, she’s spent years studying what actually makes relationships work. Her findings will change the way you think about attraction, communication, and commitment. In this conversation, Logan reveals why the spark is overrated, how to optimize your dating profile, and the one thing (actually, 8) you must do after every first date. We break down attachment theory, orbiting, polyamory, and having hard conversations in a healthy way. We get answers to questions like: "what’s an appropriate age gap?" and "what to say if you’re not interested after a date?" Plus, Logan shares how she made the decision to be with her husband and the importance of “other significant others.” If you want to stop wasting time on the wrong people and start building something real, this episode is for you. (2:49) First Dates and the Slow Burn (8:07) The Post-Date 8 (14:30) Dating Like a Scientist (15:50) The Height thing... (18:56) The Spark vs Lust (26:35) Fear of Rejection (29:01) Understanding Attachment Theory (39:20) Navigating Online Dating (41:36) Effective Communication in Dating (51:58) Texting Etiquette (01:05:33) Dealing with Rejection (01:08:44) Polyamory (01:13:32) Orbiting (01:30:45) Logan's Story of Meeting Her Husband (01:37:12) Navigating Crucial Decision Points in Relationships (01:41:48) Having Difficult Conversations in Relationships (01:50:15) Other Significant Others (01:59:05) Breaking Up Respectfully (02:02:08) Tips for Creating Dating Profiles Logan Ury is a behavioral scientist, dating coach, and the Director of Relationship Science at Hinge. She’s the bestselling author of How Not to Die Alone. Newsletter - The Brain Food newsletter delivers actionable insights and thoughtful ideas every Sunday. It takes 5 minutes to read, and it’s completely free. Learn more and sign up at fs.blog/newsletter Upgrade — If you want to hear my thoughts and reflections at the end of the episode, join our membership: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠fs.blog/membership⁠⁠ and get your own private feed. Watch on YouTube: @tkppodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Transcript

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0:00.0	Your dating app profile is sort of like your billboard.
0:05.0	You are telling a story about who you are. Am I ready to date? Who should I date?
0:10.0	Should I keep dating this person? Should we move in together? Should we get married?
0:13.0	Each of these is a pivotal point in your life. The thing that we think makes us unlovable is often what makes somebody feel comfortable around us.
0:22.2	But if we truly feel like we're unlovable, we never open up and give somebody the chance to see
0:26.7	that for themselves. The sooner you learn how to date, the sooner you can stop dating. It's not
0:32.2	about gathering information. It's about having an experience with them. Imagine that you spend 50 years with someone.
0:39.6	The day that you meet is 0.055% of your total time with them. You have to shoot your shot. You have to
0:47.5	approach people in public. You have to take a risk.
1:05.6	Yeah. take a risk. Welcome to the Knowledge Project.
1:07.7	I'm your host, Shane Parrish.
1:09.6	If you want to take your learning the next level,
1:11.9	consider joining our membership program at fs.blog slash membership. As a member, you'll get
1:17.6	my personal reflections at the end of every episode, early access to episodes, no ads, including
1:24.4	this, exclusive content, hand-edited transcripts, and so much more. Check out the
1:29.6	link in the show notes for more. Today's episode is all about rethinking modern relationships, from
1:35.7	first dates to breakups and everything in between. My guest is Logan Yuri, a behavioral scientist
1:42.3	dating coach and the director of relationship science at Hinge.
1:46.2	She's the best-selling author of How Not to Die Alone and a leading expert in how we form,
1:52.6	maintain, and end relationships. Logan challenges some of our biggest myths about dating,
1:58.7	including the idea that you need to wait for the spark.
2:02.1	Instead, she shares what really matters in a long-term partner, someone you're genuinely
	...

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