204. Tough Talks: Turn Tension Into Trust

Think Fast Talk Smart: Communication Techniques

Think Fast Talk Smart

Communicating, Influence, Career Skills, Career, Business, Education, Leadership, Careers, Communication, Career Growth, Public Speaking, Language Learning, Improv

4.7 • 711 Ratings

🗓️ 20 May 2025

⏱️ 29 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

🧾️ Download transcript

Summary

How to have the conversations that are most difficult — and most important.

Before you can have hard conversations with others, you need to have an honest conversation with yourself. That's the counterintuitive advice from Sheila Heen, who says our own internal narratives often derail our attempts at negotiation and conflict resolution.

"The first negotiation is actually a negotiation I have with myself about my own story," explains Heen, a Harvard Law School lecturer and co-author of Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most. When entering challenging interactions, she recommends a powerful shift where we consider that our perspective is only one side of the story. "If I can shift my purpose from convincing you of something to just understanding how you see it and why we might see it differently, that actually is more likely to generate a good conversation with less defensiveness for both of us."

In this episode of Think Fast, Talk Smart, Heen joins Matt Abrahams to explore effective communication in high-stakes situations. From giving and receiving feedback with her “ACE” framework (Appreciation, Coaching, and Evaluation) to recognizing the "degrees of difficulty" in disagreements, she offers practical strategies for having productive conversations even when emotions run high.

Episode Reference Links:

Connect:

Premium Signup >>>> Think Fast Talk Smart Premium
Email Questions & Feedback >>> [email protected]
Episode Transcripts >>> Think Fast Talk Smart Website
Newsletter Signup + English Language Learning >>> FasterSmarter.io
Think Fast Talk Smart >>> LinkedIn, Instagram, YouTube
Matt Abrahams >>> LinkedIn

Chapters:

(00:00) - Introduction
(01:36) - Managing Anxiety in Tough Conversations
(04:15) - Why Emotions Matter
(07:23) - Shifting the Story We Tell Ourselves
(08:41) - Starting with the Real Issue
(10:20) - Getting Unstuck in Conflict
(13:18) - ACE: The Three Types of Feedback
(16:20) - Making Feedback Actionable
(18:40) - Finding Common Ground
(20:17) - The Final Three Questions
(27:32) - Conclusion

*****
This episode is brought to you by Babbel. Think Fast Talk Smart listeners can get started on your language learning journey today- visit Babbel.com/Thinkfast and get up to 55% off your Babbel subscription.

Support Think Fast Talk Smart by joining TFTS Premium.

Transcript

Click on a timestamp to play from that location

0:00.0	I have always been amazed by and a bit jealous of my friends, colleagues, and students who can speak multiple languages.
0:08.0	I regret that I did not keep up my foreign language that I learned in school.
0:12.0	I'm happy to say that I am now working on this.
0:15.0	To help me, I use the Babel app.
0:18.0	Babel provides me with quick lessons just 10 to 15 minutes per day, and since
0:22.2	Babel is built with science-back cognitive tools that fit with all learning styles, it helps
0:27.3	me stay motivated with real-time feedback, handy visualizations, and progress trackers.
0:32.7	I'm learning and having fun. Babel is offering a special deal for Think Fast Talk Smart listeners so you can get
0:39.4	started right now. Visit babble.com slash think fast and get up to 55% off your Babel subscription.
0:47.2	That's babble.com slash think fast to start your language learning today.
0:53.5	Most advice on conflict resolution, negotiation, and feedback
0:58.4	is to focus on the other person.
1:01.4	And while important, it is more important to focus first on yourself.
1:06.9	My name is Matt Abrahams,
1:09.1	and I teach strategic communication at Stanford Graduate School of Business.
1:13.3	Welcome to Think Fast, Talk Smart, the podcast.
1:18.1	Today I look forward to speaking with Sheila Heen.
1:20.8	Sheila is a lecturer at Harvard Law School and co-founder of Triad Consulting Group.
1:25.5	She's also the co-author of the best-selling book's
1:28.0	difficult conversations and thanks for the feedback. Welcome, Sheila. I am delighted to be here.
1:35.1	We're going to have fun. Should we get started? Let's. Before we get started, I wanted to alert you to a new
1:40.9	study guide based on the advice that our six coaches provided in our recent
	...

Please login to see the full transcript.

Previous episode | Next episode

Disclaimer: The podcast and artwork embedded on this page are from Think Fast Talk Smart, and are the property of its owner and not affiliated with or endorsed by Tapesearch.

Generated transcripts are the property of Think Fast Talk Smart and are distributed freely under the Fair Use doctrine. Transcripts generated by Tapesearch are not guaranteed to be accurate.