Welcome back to part 2 of Women of Impact with Dr. Orion Taravan. In part 1 we broke down how manipulation actually shows up in relationships, the testing, the chemistry, the low and slow erosion of boundaries. And why so many of us don't see it coming until we're ready too deep? But now comes a real question, what happens after? After you've been freaking burned, after you don't trust your picker anymore, after your torn between, I don't want to repeat this and I don't want to be alone. Dating gain and connecting with someone else after toxic or manipulative relationship can mess with your freaking head. You are the shut down completely or you overcorrect and start scanning for danger everywhere you go. So in part 2, Dr O'Rine has given us the framework to date and connect with someone again without being naive or paranoid. So we get into how to get back into dating aftertocks at relationship so fear doesn't actually keep you isolating or setting out on loneliness. We also talk about why you keep choosing the same guy and why that doesn't mean that you're broken, but you can actually do something about it and interrupt the pattern instead of repeating it just with a new face. If you're ever the person that says, God I'm just unlucky, you gotta listen to that part. And finally we talk about how to actually vet someone using their behaviour, not their words. You can stop falling to the charm and start actually seeing where someone is truly headed. This is about learning how to inspect the ship if you will before you get on it. It's about checking the destination if you will, not just enjoying the ride, and it's about trusting yourself again with your eyes wide, freaking open. So if you've ever said, I don't think I can go through that again, but you still want love, connection and something healthy. And you want to start building your confidence again? After feeling like it crashed and burned along with your heart, then this one's for you. Ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies, freaking stand up strong right now and know that we can change our lives. It's going to take time. It's going to take effort and it's going to take work, but it is freaking possible. So let's get right back into it with Dr. Orion Tararban right here on Women of Impact. Okay so as we start to talk about what women attracted to bad boys, things like that and why and why we ignore red flags, you definitely um one of the things you talk very heavily on is attraction and you talk about the captain and the passenger and I'd really love to go over these because I feel like it it's such a clear guide and I love just obsessed with your analogies as well. So you say the captain has three things they have to do. So number one is build a boat. What do you mean by that in dating terms? So we can think of the boat as a metaphor for the frame of a relationship. It's a life, it's a lifestyle. It's something that you, as a potential passenger, can enter into, right? And this is really important. It's like, imagine going in front of like Shark Tank or something and saying like, I want some money. They're like, okay, what's your idea? It's like, I don't know. I could maybe offer a product, but I could potentially offer a service as well, what would you prefer? Then we're like, what the fuck are you talking about? Did you even get this any thought? A lot of people shy away from defining their mission, their company, their business, building that ship because as soon as you build a ship, it will automatically disqualify a lot of potential passengers. When you set up shop, most people aren't going to want to buy what you're selling. So there's a lot of rejection inherent to starting a business, building a boat. Most people are just going to take a one look at that. It's like, I don't want to go there. No, I don't want to do that. But until you build that, you don't get the opportunity to collect even 1% potentially of passengers or money or whatever it is that you're trying to collect. So I do think that for captains, a lot of it has to do with money. Like we shy away from this to our own detriment. Like we have a lot of grand, motherly advice about dating and relationships that still exist, which really just depend on being a good person and being loving as if it's just some sort of like magical serendipitous occurrence. The fact of the matter is, is that people generally enter into relationships to make their lives better and money makes your life better. I'm just going say it, like a lot of issues that people struggle with can actually be solved with a little bit of extra cash. Because cash really has to do with freedom. So you need money to cultivate a lifestyle that's going to be attractive to the passengers who might want to get on board. All right, so that's build about. So we're about to cap in. So the first step with the captain is build about the second one is learn to sail. So what's that analogy in relationships? Learn to sail in a relationship is like getting good at relationships on some level. And some people are good at them and some people are not. I think that learning how to get along with people is a skill. Learning how to choose the right people to get along with is a skill. And the more that you learn how to relate to others, the more satisfying and harmonious relationships that you can have. As a woman, if the captain's, the captain is competent, that's very enticing. I actually, for say, fell with someone that's more competent. Of course. And it's one of the best ways for men to increase their optionality. Like it or not, the best way for a woman to increase their optionality is to be visibly attractive. And especially with platforms like Instagram, it is very easy to do that. This is an incredible power. Men increase their optionality by being visibly competent. Competence is very attractive to women. So are abs and height, so that's another thing. But if you're not six three and there's nothing you can do about it, you have to lean into the competence. What do you do well? What do you do better than anyone else that you know? Make sure that the world knows about it. And this is a fine line to walk because you don't want to come off as crowing and bragging about it. That feels douchey and arrogant. But I think a lot of men err on the other side, which is there are little to humble, there are little to discreet. I think that if you did have to choose between the two of them as a man, it's better to err on the side of showing off a little bit more, especially in the sexual marketplace. It's like, remember, there's this weird reversal in human beings. In most of the animal kingdom, it's the males who are beautiful and bright and extravagant. It's like the peacock. The cock is the beautiful one. The peen is this brown, unremarkable creature. And the lion has like the beautiful mane. I like the lion's mane too. And a lot of that is a way of signaling health and sexual selection. I'm so healthy and I've access to so much nutrition that I can make these beautiful feathers that serve no other purpose except enticing you, my little P-Hen. Like they don't, they clearly make me more visible to predators, like they make my life harder. They're heavy, they're expensive, they're difficult to maintain, but you know, I'm just that kind of peacock, you know what I'm saying? The peahens are brown because the females are generally associated with the young and caring for the young, right? They want them to blend in. We want them to be invisible to the predation that occurs in the natural world. We don't want the females and the young ones to stand out. That's why even young males look like the young females. And it's only after they reach some kind of sexual maturity that they begin to show their true colors as it were. But, you know, we have this strange reversal.

I don't know how and why this happened,

but, you know, you go to any red carpet gala here in LA, the men all look like fucking penguins. They all look the same. When every woman is a unique phoenix that's just like burning, and she'll never wear that dress again. And God forbid some other woman show up wearing the same dress. It's like, it's fascinating how that happened.

Oh my God, that's a true.

But it's probably because our society is so safe. Mmm. To allow that to happen. Remember, if it weren't safe, we would not be trying to stand out. Yeah, that's so true. Whew. Okay, and then we've got number three for the captain is put a course. Well, plotting a course is you have to have some place to go. Otherwise, you're just adrift and you're being blown about by the winds or the currents and that could even be dangerous if you're out on the open seas. So what is the purpose of your boat? Are you a pleasure cruise? Are you a military espionage vessel? Are you a big cargo ship that's designed to make money and transport goods? It's like relationships should serve a purpose, like to make an analogy to business. You don't hire someone just because it's nice to have them around. Just hang out with them after work.

You're not going to pay a salary for them to have them around. Like just hang out with them after work, right?

You're not gonna pay a salary for them

to just be around the office.

Like you're going to have a very clearly defined role, right?

So what do you want a husband for?

What do you want a girlfriend for?

It's like just because you think that they're hot

and it's nice to have sex with them or to spend time with them. It's like just because you think that they're hot and it's nice to have sex with them

or to spend time with them.

It's like, okay, fair enough.

That's just a companion.

So, but like, why do I need you in my life? This sounds really cold and harsh, but it's like at the very least, you're an opportunity cost. Because if I'm here, I'm not talking to any other podcast, right? And that is other things I could do today.

But I'm here because I felt like this was my best option.

And maybe I was your best option today,

which is why you're speaking to me and not some other guests that's on the podcast circuit, right? So the idea here is dealing with you is expensive. It requires time, energy, often money, and certainly opportunity if I have options, which as a captain I generally have, right? So why should I do business with you? Well, there's a few different ways, uh, missions that relationships can have. But I do think that it's important to kind of like even consciously define them. I know some married couples that have mission statements. I think that's a wonderful idea and to review them every few years to make sure that they're still relevant. It's like you two should be getting together

for more than just the pleasure of your company.

Hangtime, my homie, because up next, Dr. O'Rine talks about dating gain after toxic relationships without shutting down or becoming paranoid. If you've ever wanted connection but don't actually trust your judgment right yet, then this part is actually what matters. Stay tuned. Now, let's get back to the good stuff. Also, there's one more thing I'd like to add as a woman, there is some sort of safety, again, assuming that captain's male, there is some sort of safety in knowing that the man knows where he's going. He's got a clear cause, he's not confused, he's not going to waver.

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